How To Partially Lose Your Voice

Yearning for the techniques on how to partially lose your voice means you are once again shirking your duty. Fret not, buttercup! Partially losing your voice is simple to achieve, but carrying out the ruse and sticking to your guns will take a certain degree of weaseling within your soul. A scratchy voice is almost as brilliant as a hurt back because it is difficult to prove you are lying and no one will get too close to you. Plus, when you miraculously get better in time to watch football with your degenerate friends, you can claim it was only allergies.

To partially lose your voice, you will need:

• Pillow
• Throat spray
• Cigarettes (try Pall Mall unfiltered)

1. Old yeller. The easiest way to partially lose your voice is to scream your bloody head off. If you live in a city and do not wish frighten the neighbors or invite any police action, scream into a pillow. Try high screams and then lower tonal screams to shred your throat evenly. Cough in between sessions to increase the effect.
2. Chemical bath. Many people use vinegar or lemon juice to help make their throat raw. A faster way is to use throat spray. Get your throat nice and numb and then go back to screaming. You can scream more harshly, louder and longer. After the throat spray wears off, you will sound quite raw and your throat will probably hurt a little, too.
3. Smokey. Do you smoke? If so, forget this step. However, if you do not smoke, grab a cancer stick and light up. Use your cheeks to draw smoke into your mouth and then inhale, hold and exhale. Check out your reflection in the mirror and note how cool you look. As a new smoker with virgin pipes, you will feel the burn and your voice will drop an octave or two into a weird, gurgling growl. Plus you look sexy holding the smoke.
4. Lying with confidence. The quickest and easiest way to partially lose your voice is to lie. Go somewhere private and practice. If you were once a duplicitous child, you already know the drill. Drop your voice into a growl; keep a little saliva in the back of your throat to create cool effects, but do not forget you are lying. If you drop back into your normal voice, the suspicious ones may notice. If this happens, cough.

Warnings:

• Obviously, if you take some these techniques to heart you may actually injure yourself. Well, except the smoking bit. Smoking is cool and makes you thinner and more popular.