How to Party With an Infant

Everyone who has a baby has wondered one thing: how to party with an infant. Partying with an infant may seem like a joyless task at first, but it can be fun and rewarding if you know how to do it. Follow this guide and you'll wonder why you ever partied without an infant!

1. Buy Some Funny Baby T-Shirts Partying with an infant is all about conquering the stigma of partying with an infant. One great way to do this is adorning your baby with T-shirts that have irreverent slogans. This sends the message that while you may have a baby strapped to your chest, you're still ready to have a good time. A few suggestions: "I'm Not Flirting With You, It's Just Gas," "Don't Patronize Me, I Don't Like Rattles," or "I'm Wearing This T-Shirt So You'll Have Sex With My Dad."
2. Don't Let The Baby Drink We're serious. It may seem counterintuitive, but drunk babies are no one's idea of a good time.
3. Don't Mention E*Trade Look, we know it may seem tempting to bring up those beloved E*Trade talking baby commercials while you're partying with an infant. You'll want to remind people that yes, babies can be cool and hip and funny. Don't do it! Your baby, no matter how charismatic, cannot match the appeal of the baby with the adult voice. He has lots of Hollywood special effects and talent behind him—all you have is a baby. Your baby will suffer in comparison and might develop some self-esteem issues later in life. Even worse, you'll look like a fool at the party!
4. Don't Do The Masturbating Baby Gag From "The Hangover" That's just creepy and weird.
5. Don't Neglect The Baby If you're going to party with an infant, you can't just ignore the baby's needs while you're mixing and matching. Why? Because women aren't attracted to neglectful fathers! Make a show of feeding the baby, and making sure the baby's comfortable in its party-harness, etc. Just make sure to do it when there are women watching—it's a party!
6. Dance With The Baby Partying with an infant sometimes just means partying with an infant. So do the obvious thing and dance with the baby. It's funny, endearing, and fun!

Now you can party with an infant like the best of them! Just don't get home too late, you've got to drive that thing to daycare in the morning.