How To Pass A Drug Test Using Home Remedies
You’re here reading this article because you want to know how to pass a drug test using home remedies, yes? Homeopathy amends many ailments, from a headache to the runs. You’ll unearth things that allege to help you pass a drug test with flying colors (that are not the result of hallucinogens) are nothing but crap. In fact, said BS “cures” were probably made up by someone who was stoned and decided to eat random things out of a dumpster. Anyway, here are some elixirs that have some likelihood of getting you through that pesky drug test. But take heed—these are not miracle tonics and are not guaranteed to work. If you try any of these elixirs and they don’t mask the amphetamines in your urine, we don’t want to hear about it.
Things you'll need:
- Drinking water
- Vitamin B supplements
- Another person's urine
- Water. This one should be common sense, guys. Drink craploads of water a few hours before you’re scheduled to take your drug test. The water will dilute the contents of your bladder to the point where any hints of junk will be too small to detect. Moreover, you should take something (no, not more drugs) to veil the fact that you drank water like it was going out of style, as this will be implicit concealment of drug use. Remember, when you chug H2O until your teeth are floating, your urine gets clearer, so pop some B vitamin supplements. This will tinge your urine neon highlighter yellow and you can just say you’re on a multivitamin. However, this probably won’t help you if a hair, saliva or blood drug test is involved.
- Diuretics. If you go the way of water dilution for your DIY detox, use said method in conjunction with diuretics. The ideal way to kickstart your bladder into working overtime is to have a few cups of coffee or some cranberry juice. And we mean actual juice, not that distantly berry-flavored sugar water in a can. If it’s any less than 100 percent juice, it won’t help you pass a drug test. It may get you nearer to developing diabetes, though.
- Fast metabolism. Some people metabolize sugar, fat and all that crap faster than other folks, but for those who don’t, you should attempt temporary metabolic acceleration. Keep in mind that most evidence of drugs stick to your fat like feces to Velcro and the only way to get it out is to metabolize it. If you just happen to have about a month’s notice prior to your drug test, start exercising until you feel like you’re going to die. Then exercise some more. Have someone nearby to necromance your sorry behind, if need be. This will maybe help clean you out a little.
- Someone else. If all else fails, have someone tinkle in a small container for you and use that as your drug test sample. But be sure the person from whom you get a jug of pee isn’t a junkie. And make sure they aren’t pregnant either, as a man testing positive for gonadotropins will raise some eyebrows. In addition, the urine has to be fresh from the source very soon before the test. Translation: Piddle sample has to be warm.
That’s all we’ve got. Many remedies to help you pass a drug test are floating around out there, but most of them won’t do a thing. There’s also a nifty little apparatus called the Whizzinator, a strap-on dildo for men that excretes fake, test-clearing urine. It was made to aid junkies in passing pee tests. That is, until the manufacturer was charged and people got arrested for violating SAMHSA regulations. You can still obtain one with all the fixins for around $140, but we can’t advise doing so since it would be illegal and using it to cheat a drug test would mean the device is considered drug paraphernalia.