How to Pretend You’re a Rockstar

Being a rockstar is hard, learning how to pretend you're a rockstar is a much easier feat. You don't have to learn how to play some sort of musical instrument. You don't have to deal with large egos in front of and behind the microphone. Recording contracts, worldwide tours…who has time for this? Pretending you're a rockstar is the way to go. Pretending you're a rockstar is fun, easy, and with a little effort might turn into a steady job. But pretending you're a rockstar, while easy, has its own set of challenges. Think pretending you're a rockstar could be for you? Read on, (faux) rocker!

  1. Grow a beard Beards are almost exclusively the domain of the rockstar. It is possible to pretend you're a rockstar while still looking like some smooth-faced 9-to-5 sucker, but it doesn't help! This also allows a little bit of creative freedom – you can go the full-on Billy Gibbons route with a chest-length beard, or maybe just a little bit of Timberlake-stubble, or anywhere in between. Follow your inborn facial hair instincts when pretending you're a rockstar.
  2. Never smile Despite living lives of unbelievable comfort and privilege, rockstars are rarely seen smiling. It's part of that whole James Dean-angsty-teenager thing they all have going on. So when pretending you're a rockstar, try to keep the smiling, laughing, and other outward signs of happiness to a minimum. Unless you're pretending you're David Lee Roth, in which case all of these tips go out the window anyway.
  3. Talk with authority about things you know nothing about Turn on the Fox News Channel and you're likely to see Ted Nugent, Charlie Daniels, or the lead singer of the band that calls themselves Lynyrd Skynyrd sounding off about politics and society. Change over to the Sundance Channel and you might see Bono or Sting doing the same thing. Do these people have any expertise on gun control, or AIDS prevention, or any other non-rocking-related topics? Of course not! Some of them aren't even too solid on that. But that doesn't stop them from making speeches and offering their knowledge to the world. So in when pretending you're a rockstar, spare no one your thoughts on how to solve important problems. Start small – give people in public tips on raising their children – people love that, especially if you do it while playing air-guitar.
  4. Monogamy? More like dumb-ogamy! Rockstars are famous for not being able to maintain serious relationships with women. So a crucial aspect of pretending you're a rockstar is abandoning all pretense of a monogamous relationship. You might also consider going the David Bowie or Mick Jagger route and explore the exciting world of bisexuality. Pretending you're a rockstar has never made more sense!

So now you've learned how to pretend you're a rockstar without wasting time "recording music" and "working on your craft" like some loser!

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