How to Seduce a Hipster

So, you met a special someone, and now you need to know how to seduce a hipster. Well, you've come to the right, uh…website. Seducing a hipster is a lot like seducing any other woman, except more cloaked in irony. And cultural stereotyping. Let the hipster seducing begin!

  1. Smoke. If there's one thing a hipster loves, it's smoking. Now you might think we mean, you know, cigarettes. But everyone knows that cigarettes are for soccer moms and Republicans. What you actually need to start smoking in order to seduce a hipster is far weirder (or "hipper," as the kids say) than that. Hookah, maybe. Or you might be able to get away with just rolling your own cigarettes, but this requires a fair amount of hand-eye coordination. So practice it!
  2. If You Like A Band She's Heard Of, You Lose. The world of recorded music is expansive and deep. So there's absolutely no reason for two sophisticated adults to have ANY overlap as far as musical taste is concerned. So toss out all of your Beatles and Hendrix and David Bowie. Start listening to stuff no one has heard of. Oh, and on vinyl. Only vinyl. CDs are so 2010. Once she hears your mixtape of Lithuanian shout-singing she won't be able to resist and you'll successfully seduce a hipster. A warning, in case things get serious: a child conceived while Lithuanian shout-singing is playing will grow up to be an insufferable hipster douchebag. No one wants that.
  3. Get A Tattoo. Tattoos are like badges for seducing a hipster. They're not totally necessary in order to seduce a hipster, but if you don't have one you have to work twice as hard. The weirder, the better. We suggest the original old-English complete text of Beowulf printed on your back. This also works if you're trying to seduce a Viking-enthusiast.
  4. Grow A Hipster Beard. This one's easy. Just don't shave for a couple weeks.
  5. Don't Comb Your Hair. Nothing says "petty bourgeois preoccupation with your appearance" like basic upkeep of your appearance. And if you want to seduce a hipster you need to get rid of that inclination pronto. The unkempt bedhead look is nice, if you're willing to put in the time of making it look exactly like you just rolled out of bed.
  6. Vote Nader And/Or Paul. Ralph Nader and Ron Paul are pretty much diametrically opposed, politically speaking. But hipsters love them both, because of their uncompromising attitudes toward politics. Also because it upsets their parents. So before you try to seduce a hipster, maybe go buy a Nader or Paul bumper sticker or something. Just don't talk any actual politics and you should be fine.
show comments

What Others Are Reading Right Now.