Men, you have to know how to shave your balls, because someday, you will be doing that. Some women do not want to visit your jungle. You are not Mufasa. Women do not want to lick your balls because they will smell like sewage and vomit, and they do not want your pubic hair in their mouths. Who would want to taste your ball juice? You watch porn and you see the men clean shaved downtown and it looks weird. It can become really chilly down south, but your girlfriend will make sure to keep you warm.
Why should you shave your balls?
- It looks better. Let’s face it, you look in the mirror and you look like a damn Chia pet. Come on, sing it just once: “Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia!”
- It itches! Don't lie. you know you are in the shower or some other area and you are scratching your balls like you have crabs. We men do this so don't be ashamed of that. If you shave your balls, you do not have to worry about auditioning for the Simpsons to play Itchy and Scratchy.
- Women are more willing to give you oral sex. This should be the only reason to shave your balls.
How do I shave my balls?
- Your balls have to be damp. Seriously, you do not want to get a nick or a cut on your balls. You will get a cool fungus downstairs called Tinea Cruris and it is not very pretty. You will smell like a zombie and the flesh will peel off! (T.M.I.). Your balls have to be moisturized and wet before you attempt to shave them.
- Electric or disposable razor? This is strictly your choice. An electric razor is like a male vibrator and you might hit your G-spot and not actually shave your balls, but this type of razor is safer to use than a disposable razor. If you do use a disposable razor, you need to use a razor with more than two blades. Do not go to Dollar General and use one of those crappy razors. You balls will look like Linda Blair’s face from “the Exorcist”. Use a disposable razor that is current and has the right amount of blades such as a five blade.
- Shower or bath? Men have egos, and they do not want to take a bath. The preferred way to shave your balls is in the bathtub, because it is easier to do it there. It will take longer to shave your balls in the shower because it is harder to see your cash and prizes while standing up as opposed to being in a bathtub.
- Fly solo or have a helping hand? You could shave your balls on your own or you could get your significant other to shave them for you.
- Shaving gel or cream? Shaving cream also has to be wet unless you use shaving gel. It is recommended that you use shaving gel, because you do not have to get it wet for to get the job done.
- It is time to shave! Once you shave your balls, you have to do it very slowly. Slow is smooth and smooth is fast. If you want to be Billy bad ass and want to shave fast, you will have consequences. Did a cat think your balls were a ball of yawn and it scratched the hell out of you? You do not want that!
Shaving your balls is not difficult at all to do. Once you do it the first time, it will get easier and easier.
Flick your Bic in the trash and make the switch to a cleaner, cheaper, closer shave.
Be prepared to shave like a man, save money, and look great.
Diane Wood Zuccato is a master barber and a seasoned pro who once removed the strike beards of David Letterman’s writers ...