Going to the cinema can be a dangerous affair, so we have compiled this comprehensive guide on how to survive a horror movie. After all, what could be more hazardous than an hour and a half to two hours of suspense, terror, and edge-of-your seat thrills in a climate-controlled, comfortably-cushioned environment? Nothing!
- Take your heart medication. The downside of pulse-pounding movie excitement is that if your pulse gets too high you might have a coronary. If you are prone to high blood pressure or heart disease, then you need to take your medication if you’re going to survive a horror movie. Then when the demented serial killer jumps out from behind a door at the film’s heroine, you won’t have to be wheeled out on a stretcher.
- Don’t go to the movies in the bad part of town. If you frequent the cheap movie theater downtown instead of the vast, soulless multiplex that all your suburbanite friends go to, there’s a good change you will be stabbed either going to or coming from a horror movie. If it happened to Batman’s parents, it can happen to you. Sure you’ll save a few bucks, but that’s not how to survive a horror movie.
- Don’t eat popcorn that has fallen on the floor. If you drop some of your popcorn on the floor during a scary movie, resist the urge to pick it up, blow it off, and eat it. That floor is teeming with bacteria that could make you sick. How embarrassing would it be to make it all the way through the most brutal, horrifying slasher flick of all time only to die of botulism afterwards? VERY EMBARRASSING.
- Don’t try to reenact what you see in the movies. “Wouldn’t it be fun to sneak up on my friend Bob while wearing a William Shatner mask and brandishing a steak knife?” you ask yourself. The answer: NO. Bob will most likely turn around, see you, freak the hell out and beat you into an oozy pulp. Don’t let your enjoyment of a horror movie blind you to reality, otherwise that horror movie will be your demise.
- Only go to see horror movies with your sane friends. Let’s revisit Bob from our previous scenario. Obviously, Bob is not the most stable guy in your entourage. It turns out Bob has been off his meds for a week now despite his doctor’s orders. Take him to see a horror movie and it might make him a bit paranoid and delusional. Then he’s going to think that he’d better kill you before you have the chance to kill him. What then? He kills you. If you want to survive a horror movie, don’t bring Bob along.