How To Treat Bruises

Ok buttercup, time to learn how to treat bruises. Bruises are badges of honor, shame or stupidity depending upon what you are into these days. They are also not a big deal so stop worrying. The only time you should freak out is when you sprout bruises spontaneously. Then you may either have a rare, genetic blood disorder or are victim to supernatural predators like evil spirits or invisible vampires.

To treat bruises, you will need:

• A sack of frozen peas
• A period of healing
• Perhaps a sports cream with Arnica supplements

1. Ice. Basically the only thing under the sun that will actually treat bruises is ice. Ice stops the swelling and spreading of choked blood. Choked blood happens because your blood vessels are shattered and the oxygen is cut off. This is why your bruises are black and blue. Another great boon from ice is that it numbs the pain. A bag of frozen peas is the perfect ice pack. Peas are cheap and mold around the bruise perfectly. The frozen steak thing is passé in the new economy because meat is expensive.
2. Rest. Depending where the bruise is, you may help ease the swelling and ugliness by elevating it. Elevate means you hold the afflicted area above your pumping, four chambered heart. If you drop a bowling ball on your foot, you should elevate it to avoid swelling. If you got punched in the face, do not worry about elevation. Any decent bruise will take two to three weeks to heal.
3. Goo. To treat bruises, you have to let time do all the work. But there are more than a few sports creams available that claim to cut down on the healing times. Arnica is in the sunflower family and is toted as a cure all and bruise eliminator. Whether this is true or not is still being studied by science but many professional athletes use it so who knows? Sadly, there are also many shades of makeup created especially to cover bruises.