Sex Tips 101

Unfortunately, schools don't offer a course in Sex Tips 101, but through this article, women the world over will think you've not only taken the class, but you've aced it. We're not going to cover advanced techniques, but we will cover the absolute basics you need to learn in order to get your freak on. If you're wanting to please your woman, while coming out looking like a hero, read on.

1. Have patience. Look, women are not cars or iPods. You can't just turn them on and off. Guys who think like that end up at home alone (probably reading articles like this. Pay attention!) Women need to be slowly turned on. Yeah, sometimes you can get the occasional quickie, but most of the time, they've already been working up to it. So, be patient. Take things slow and don't rush. Remember, foreplay is your best friend.
2. Pay attention to her. Pay attention to her words and her body language. If she's been talking about how she has a headache all night and you still try to jump on her after watching TV, you're going to find yourself with a bruised ego, a pissed off lady, and a night of frustration. On the flip side, if she's talking about how she's not wearing panties under her short skirt all night and you're worried more about how many lives you have left in your video game, guess what? Get used to that game controller, because it's going to be the only thing you're playing with tonight.
3. Practice proper hygiene. This should go without saying, but I feel like I have to mention it. Shower daily, use deodorant, maybe a little cologne (don't overdo it!) Also, guys, realize this. You get funky down there. We can all bitch about how women have more maintenance to take care of in that region, but the fact is, if you're drawing flies to your equipment, she's not going to want to get near it. Keep yourself clean, all over, and she'll have no reason not to be all over you.
4. Please her. Once again, this is obvious, yet most dudes get it wrong. When you're in bed, remember this; you're wanting to do it again. Yeah, this time is awesome, but if you don't please her this time, there won't be a next time. This means that you need to focus on getting her off first, then get yours. While it may seem counter productive, make sure she gets hers. This ensures a repeat performance, meaning another and another. You get the point. Hint: if you feel like you won't last because of foreplay, get off before she shows up. This way, you'll have already gotten yours and you can focus on her.
5. Get oral. Okay, guys, this one is key. If you ever expect her to get her mouth anywhere near your merchandise, you have to be willing to return the favor. If you're not willing to go downtown, she won't be either. If you don't like it, get used to liking it. Women are beautiful, amazing creatures. Remember that and treat them as such. Your tongue might be a bit sore the next day, but it will be worth it in the long run.

The other stuff you need to know: don't spend all your time with your friends, don't talk about how hot other girls are in front of her, and even if you aren't interested in what she's saying, pretend. Don't try to get with her friends. If you're going to lie, make sure you can pull it off beforehand. Be tender, but never tender enough to make her think she's doin' it with a gummy bear. Finally, never, ever use the excuse that “it slipped in the wrong hole.” It doesn't work, don't bother.