Top 10 Killer Toy Movies

Unless you have big bucks to foot a new round of therapy, do not read the list of top 10 killer toy movies. Under no circumstances should you relive your childhood horror by reading about killer toys stalking the very people who showed them love and affection. Why are you still reading? Fine, but don’t say you weren’t warned.

  1. “Child’s Play” Still the reigning champ of killer toys. While a little dated due to the fashions of its time, “Child’s Play” nonetheless holds up despite the twelve years since its premiere. Parodying the “My Buddy” dolls of the late '80’s, Chucky is the one toy that won’t put up with Ken and Barbie’s elitist country club crap. Come at him with platoons of G.I. Joes and he’ll leave the play area looking like the Normandy Beach of strewn plastic limbs. Then he’ll come for your soul. Hope you kept the receipt.
  2. “Transformers” The curveball of killer toy movies, "Transformers" features adorable vehicles that convert into evil machines unleashing blood-filled mayhem on poor, unsuspecting humans. Before you can say, “Holy civilian casualties, Optimus Prime,” chunks of debris and shrapnel impale innocent bystanders left and right without so much as a “Sorry” or “Excuse me” from the heartless robot killers. This gives “Transformers” the highest body count of them all. But the best killer toy? That distinction goes to number one.
  3. “Demonic Toys” A list of killer toy movies wouldn’t be complete without a homicidal baby doll, a murderous robot, an evil jack-in-the-box, and a razor-toothed teddy bear. Which, if your childhood was anything like “Demonic Toys”, were fairly standard playthings of death. You might also recall those toys killing people in an effort to possess a human body for your imaginary friend, aka demon from the pit of hell.
  4. “Dead of Night” While technically a “portmanteau” (fancy word meaning one big movie made up of several smaller ones), “Dead of Night” does contain a segment about an unstable ventriloquist terrorized by his dummy. So influential and longlasting, it spawned numerous killer toy imitators in movies and TV, most notably "The Twilight Zone" and "The X-Files".
  5. “Puppet Master” The toys in this movie make the previous killer toys look like a freakin’ Care Bear convention. These toys are so hardcore they come packaged with their own specialized killing devices. One second you’re all, “Aww, look at the cute little toy doll,” and next you’re like, “OH MY GOD, HE’S DRILLING MY FACE!”
  6. “Poltergeist” Not content to simply spring a toy to life and choke its owner, the creators of “Poltergeist” made the killer toy a clown. A clown that grins and giggles as he suffocates you. Why did the makers of “Poltergeist” do this, you ask? Because they hate you, that’s why.
  7. “Magic” What happens when roles reverse and the dummy pulls the ventriloquist’s strings? You get “Magic”, a story about a magician who does his puppet’s bidding. And what do sentient puppets want more than anything? Contrary to popular belief, it’s not to rescue stray kittens. (Hint: To kill you.)
  8. “Bride of Chucky” True love in killer toy movies is murdering your girlfriend and stuffing her soul into a plastic doll so you can be together forever. And what better way to solidify that commitment than by leaving a trail of blood and guts in your wake? Diamonds may be forever, but chicks get hot and bothered for body counts, man.
  9. “Dead Silence” If you ever get a puppet in the mail, for the love of all that’s holy, do NOT mock it. It will merely bide time before killing you. “But,” you protest, “It’s a gift from dear old grandma!” Then consider it granny’s way of sticking it to you for not visiting more often.
  10. “Trilogy of Terror” So you buy a doll that comes with a tag warning of hellish doom should that tag be removed. What can go wrong? Only a Zuni fetish doll that will hunt you to the far corners of your apartment without so much as a cigarette break.

 

 

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