What To Wear To College

So you’ve graduated high school, been accepted to your third or fourth choice for a university, and signed your life away for a student loan, but there’s one thing you still haven’t figured out: what to wear to college.  Fear not, pre-frosh, for we are here to teach you College Fashion 101.  Best of all, this course is free to audit.

1. Shower shoes.  No, you won’t be wearing them all the time.  When you head off to the communal showers after waking up at the crack of noon, though, you’ll be glad you packed some shower shoes.  Those dorm room showers are teeming with bacteria and fungi from other students’ feet.  Trust us: you do NOT want to be barefoot in those filth havens.
2. Pajamas.  When you’re a college student, pajamas aren’t just for sleeping.  They’re also for wearing to your first class of the day when you don’t wake up in time to get dressed, then your second class of the day after you’ve spent some time in the cafeteria eating stale bagels, then… well, let’s just say you’ll be wearing your pajamas a lot.
3. Ironic t-shirts.  OK, so you’ve finally managed to pull yourself together enough to get yourself out of your pajamas.  What’s the next article of clothing to wear at college?  Ironic t-shirts.  Your friends are all still young and naive enough to think that they’re hip and clever.  Enjoy that while you can.  After college you’ll all be wearing khakis and polo shirts and scoffing at such youthful pretensions.
4. Hats.  Even if you’ve had the presence of mind to dress up in your torn jeans and ironic t-shirt, styling your hair is still a drag.  What should you wear to college to alleviate this problem?  Hats.  Hats are the lazy man’s hairstyle.