What To Wear At A Rave
If you’re traveling in a time machine back to the late ’90s and early ’00s, then to not blow your cover as a citizen of the future you may need to know what to wear at a rave. Luckily, we've lived through that time period ourselves and we’re here to instruct you.
- You’re going to need a pacifier. It wasn’t just an idiotic fashion statement; the pacifiers worn by ravers also kept them from grinding their teeth down to the nerves while out of their minds on ecstasy. That’s why this infantile fashion accessory is the most important accessory to wear at a rave.
- Dress like as big of a doofus as possible. If you’re at a rave and you don’t look like you were dressed by a developmentally-disabled psychotic, people will think you are a narc. Then the party will be over and it’s back to the future for you. What you need to wear at a rave is the most ridiculous outfit your sick, diseased brain can think of.
- Wear headache-inducing bright colors. Bright neon colors abound in the wardrobe of the raver. This is because ravers are so incredibly happy that they couldn’t possibly bear the thought of somber, unremarkable earth tones. If an article of clothing doesn’t leave an afterimage when you close your eyes, throw it aside.
- Don’t wear heavy clothes. Ravers sweat like pigs. This is for several reasons: the constant dancing, the body heat from the crowds, the psychotropic drugs. You may be staying on the sober path for your trip through time, but you still need to fit in. Don’t dress in anything heavier than shorts and a tank top, and if you do then at least do it in layers that you can peel off as if you were a stinky, stinky onion.
- Wear some flair. It’s not enough to dress in a striking orange tank top and baggy, phosphorescent shorts. To truly fit in at a rave, you’re going to need more pieces of flair than a server at an overpriced chain bar and grill restaurant. In addition to the pacifier dangling from your neck, you will need glow-in-the-dark wristbands, glow-in-the-dark makeup, glow-in-the-dark stickers, and anything else you can get your hands on that glows in the dark. By the time you’re all suited up, you should be glowing like a Chernobyl survivor. Then you will look right at home among the sweaty, stoned ravers of the past.