Entertainment Weekly took a break from telling us how awesome this week’s episode of Gossip Girl was, in order to posit some interesting theories on why the stock market has risen and fallen over the years. Turns out it was all thanks to Paris Hilton. That bitch!
Here’s EW‘s Paris vs. Stock Market timeline that might make you question all that is good and holy in this world:
1987 Paris Hilton celebrates her sixth birthday. The Dow Jones Industrial Average plunges a record 507.99 to 1,738.74, a drop of 22.6 percent that becomes known as the Black Monday crash.
2001 Paris has her first film cameo in Zoolander. The Dow takes another massive hit, falling 684.81 to close at 8,920.70, the largest dollar loss in history.
2003 The unofficial Paris sex video appears online; Fox reality show The Simple Life, starring Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, debuts. The Dow rises 86.30 to close at 10,008.16, its first close above 10,000 since May 27, 2002
2006 Paris releases her eponymous debut album, Paris, on vanity label Heiress Records. The Dow rises 56.99 to close at 11,727.34, establishing a new all-time closing high.
2007 Paris serves a widely publicized sentence in a Los Angeles County jail facility. The Dow loses 416.02 to close at 12,216.24, a decline of 3.29%
2008 Paris releases her first political ad; her new single, “My BFF,” is played on Ryan Seacrest’s On Air radio show. Banks around the country fail, a last-ditch effort to win bipartisan support for a $700 billion bailout bill falls through, and the Dow suffers a severe 777 point loss (7.0%), its worst point loss on record.
Clever coincidence or proven financial model? You be the judge.
I’m working on charting my own theory, it’s loosely based on the premise that commodity prices will increase in rhythm with Kim Kardashian’s ass. Wish me luck.
Entertainment Weekly: Did Paris Hilton’s new hit single, My BFF, cause the Wall Street collapse?, October 1, 2008