There are certain things that cause even the most earthy and understanding of women to cringe and these things have to do, of course, with what you’re wearing. It’s not that women care only about what’s covering you up, but some items of mismatched clothing can so horribly distract a woman that she is incapable of further checking you out (and making it further into your bedroom). To avoid unknowingly ruining your chances with an unsuspecting stranger, be sure to avoid the fashion faux pas listed below.
Socks and Tevas
Oh, goodness, this fashion F-up is legendary. When a woman looks down to survey the length of your limbs and sees, instead, the terrifying image of Teva sandals strapped over lumpy socks, she will barely be able to breathe. Unless you are taking the trash out or picking the newspaper off your front lawn clad in a bathrobe and bed head, please wear regular shoes.
Keeping Your Nose Clean
Upkeep of facial hair is no easy task for men and most women are fairly lenient in their evaluation of such regions. However, to have excess hair hanging out of your nostrils, because you’ve forgotten to clip them this week or simply because you don’t own a pair of small scissors, is inexcusable. Any woman interested in talking to you will be incapable of focusing on your features, preoccupied with the dangling fuzz of your nose. For the unenviable task of nose foliage maintainance, try the Phillips Body Groomer.
Denim on Denim
Bruce Springsteen may have made you think that Levi jeans and Levi jackets are splendid soul mates, but he couldn’t have been more incorrect. Denim on denim is a lost cause. If the denims match perfectly, you look like an urban cowboy (i.e. male prostitute). And if the denims are mismatched you look like the 90’s. Enough said. Don’t do it, unless you can do this:
Animal Accented Cowboy Boots
Lately, cowboy boots have come back to the fashion scene and this is highly unfortunate for anyone who likes to get laid (unless you’re some super hip, super famous Elvis of sorts). Snakeskin cowboy boots with rivets and silver heels only make you look like a strangely displaced, Southern imitator (and a poor one at that). We understand that the small heel is a plus for those of us who want to slightly cheat our height, but we recommend any assortment of wingtips and various heeled boots instead. Besides, the echo of clicking soles everywhere you walk is not only inconvenient, but extremely aggravating.
Mismatched Seasonal Attire
If you’ve neglected to sort out your closet and compress your summer clothes into storage, you may end up violating some basic rules concerning fabric. For example, wearing a linen shirt with a short pea coat makes about as much sense as booty shorts and Ugg boots. Furthermore, it looks plain weird. Summer shirts of thin material should not be paired with those of heavier Fall fashion, however well the colors may match in your mirror.
Knowing Your Color Wheel
Adding a splash of color to an otherwise plain wardrobe is admirable, so long as you do it subtly. This means not pairing your navy blue, pinstriped suspenders with your dark green shirt. Instead, wear solid pieces with slight accents of color – a tie, two-toned jacket or pair of sneakers. Vibrant colors combined lose their specialness and, moreover, lose you ladies.
For the love of god, it’s 2009 and please wear jeans that sit on your hips. Unless you’re invested in a retro look of high waisted, hipster-ish, slimming pants paired with a belt or suspenders, your belt holes should be near your hip bones. Otherwise, jeans hiked up to just below your belly button encourage women to believe you’re probably an out-of-touch, very married man or and out-of-touch, very unmarried man (i.e. no man they plan on making out with).
T-Shirts With Stupid Slogans
Having flair on the front of your shirt is only a fun thing to stare at when the design does not contain phrases concerning gay jokes, women jokes and jokes about how good-looking, funny and smart you are. This is one of the primary deterrents for modern women, who would prefer to vomit rather than see one more shirt that says something condescending in a less than clever, not so witty way.
A Lesson In Length
Shirts that nearly reach your knees or that never reach past your belly are both hazards to a healthy dating life. Similarly, blazers whose sleeves are much too long or much too short can obstruct an ensemble and make you look like an overgrown child in stolen clothes. If you have a beloved blazer with sleeves too short, simply wear a cuffed shirt beneath it and create a make-shift model look. It’s not so important that the sleeve itself reaches your wrist, but more that you don’t have a large area of exposed flesh awkwardly appearing without reason.
Poorly Fitted Leather
Leather is a tricky thing when it comes to clothes. Leather pants are almost never okay, unless you’re on a stage doing something quite spectacular. Leather jackets have the potential to be alarmingly attractive and bad ass, but you must pick wisely. Most leather jackets are wide in the shoulders, which is intentional, but buying a vintage jacket a few sizes too large will only confuse onlookers by the bulkiness of your arms compared to the size of your neck. If you don’t ride a motorcycle, avoid wearing any leather that doesn’t fit snugly the natural form of your upper body. NOTE: If you ever find yourself accidentally violating this rule in the midst of meeting someone new, lie and pretend that you do ride a motorcycle. It can fix almost anything.