Dear Blake… so, what’s up with the boat shoes? You know, the Sperry Top-Siders you wear every day sans socks (or with the mini socks), the leather horrors you have in multiple colors because you have multiple belts to which you must match.
Blake, you gotta stop with the boat shoes. I know the look: button-down shirt with sleeves rolled up, shorts, sunglasses hung from the neck, and, of course, some freakin’ boat shoes.
Are you on a boat, Blake? No? Then why are you wearing those things to work in the city? Why did you attempt to finish off a suit with them, only to come off looking like you never had a big brother to tell you to stop doing that? Was your boss impressed by your nod to Sundays in the Cape? (Hint: he wasn’t.)
“Even I was a victim to the Top-Sider in the ’80s—until I found myself looking for a dead rat behind heating ducts in my bedroom only to discover that the smell of death was coming from those heinous foot monsters.”
I don’t mean to hate on you, Blake, but it’s time to retire the things. I get it—you see them for sale literally everywhere. You see them being worn in ads. You see that VP donning them as he heads to another win. Even I was a victim to the Top-Sider in the ’80s—until I found myself looking for a dead rat behind heating ducts in my bedroom only to discover that the smell of death was coming from those heinous foot monsters.
The problem with boat shoes isn’t the boat shoes themselves—it’s the way they’ve crept their way into every day, casual, business and even formal wear. Men are turning to boat shoes as a default, as if they go with everything—even going nuts with multi-colored boat shoes that look more like a sponsored NASCAR vehicle than an article worthy of the bottom of our feet. Just because they’re pink, white, even black, that doesn’t make them okay. And don’t get me started on the boat shoes dudes are wearing way past their prime, like overly broken-in baseball gloves.
Boat shoes look good in one place: on a boat. In fact, they’re functional on a boat: they sport a water-squeezing sole that allows you to remain spry when heeling over. But on the city streets? Not so much.
So… let the boat shoes go, Blake. It’ll be OK, we promise.
Photo: Getty Images/Pinkypills