Now that moving up the kickoffs five yards to the 35-yard line has resulted in touchback after touchback after touchback, the NFL plans to implement a host of other player protection rules. Here are some of them.

1. Two-hand touch on any play originating inside the one-yard line.

2. Maximum number of people permitted to dive onto a pile in an attempt to recover a fumble: Three.  (Enforced by Fire Marshal.)

3. To avoid concussion risk, ice in Gatorade buckets dumped over coaches’ heads must be crushed, not cubed.

4. All shoulder pads now made out of Gummi Bears.

5. Police escorts provided for all punt returners.

6. Sacking the quarterback will now consist of gently placing him in an actual sack.

7. All playing surfaces will be replaced with giant Tempur-Pedic mattresses.

8. Inside of defensive players’ helmets lined with explosives, limiting helmet-to-helmet hits to one per career.

9. Running into the kicker now considered a felony and an automatic five years in prison.

10. All tackles on special teams now made with laser pointers.

11. Hug Tim Tebow, your team gets a point.


Brian Frazer’s one-man show, “Hyper-Chondriac: One Man’s Quest to Hurry Up and Calm Down,” runs in Los Angeles at Theatre Asylum October 1st through November 6th.  Click here for tickets.