UCLA QB and future top draft pick Josh Rosen recently speaking out about CTE is just another sign that the NFL’s safety concerns aren’t going away. With that in mind, and the new season kicking off in just a couple days, we present a few suggestions. Are you ready for some (injury-proof) football??
1. Two-hand touch on any play originating inside the one-yard line.
2. Maximum number of people permitted to dive onto a pile in an attempt to recover a fumble: Three. (Enforced by Fire Marshal.)
3. To avoid concussion risk, ice in Gatorade buckets dumped over coaches’ heads must be crushed, not cubed.
4. All shoulder pads now made out of Gummi Bears.
5. Police escorts provided for all punt returners.
6. Sacking the quarterback will now consist of gently placing him in an actual sack.
7. All playing surfaces will be replaced with giant Tempur-Pedic mattresses.
8. Inside of defensive players’ helmets lined with explosives, limiting helmet-to-helmet hits to one per career.
9. Running into the kicker now considered a felony and an automatic five years in prison.
10. All tackles on special teams now made with laser pointers.
11. Hug Rex Ryan, your team gets a point.