New Year’s Resolutions We Won’t Be Making

posted
12/31/10

Steve Mazzucchi

1. “Spend less time reading The Economist, more time looking at porn.”

2. “Visit someplace exotic, like Wichita.”

3. “Buy Shake Weight. Get RIPPED.”

4. “Hide our kids, hide our wife. And hide our husband.”

5. “Acquire Bieber hair.”

6. “Embrace TSA searches in all their homoerotic love tickle glory.”

7. “Seek to emulate the serenity of Charlie Sheen.”

8. “Dedicate more hours to Facebook.”

9. “Trust those Fox News guys a little more.”

10. “Hug more bums.”

11. “Finally get around to watching all those great Lifetime movies we’ve Tivo’ed.”

12. “Two words: Calf implants.”

13. “Eat more fiber.”