Spurs fans are so upset with Zaza Pachulia after his Game 1 closeout injured Kawhi Leonard that one fan, Juan Vazquez, is actually suing him. He filed a lawsuit last week against Pachulia and the Golden State Warriors, seeking damages of no more than $73,000…
It seems as though people will sue at the drop of a hat these days if it means potentially making a few extra bucks. Don’t believe us? Maybe you’re on Leonard’s side, but below are the most unthinkable, unfathomable, can’t-make-this-shit-up, cringe-worthy lawsuits ever.
Imagine being their defense lawyers…
1. A Texas man sued a date for texting in the movies.
Last week, Brandon Vezmar, 37, alleged that his date walked out of a screening for Guardians of the Galaxy, Vol. 2 after he complained about her persistent phone use. OK, OK—that is annoying. So what could he possibly sue her for? Vezmar filed a petition seeking $17.31 in damages, arguing that his date was a “threat to civilized society.”
2. A man sued Michael Jordan for looking like him.
PSA: Allen Heckard would like you to know that he is not Michael Jordan. Also, he wants money for that little fun fact—a lot of it. Using his own words, the years spent dealing with “defamation, permanent injury and emotional pain and suffering” were all too much to handle for the plaintiff. Heckard sued Michael Jordan for a cool $416 million as well as Nike for the same amount because they made him such a household name. “Well, you figure with my age and you multiply that by seven and, ah, then I turn around and, ah, I figure that’s what it all boils down to.” That makes sense.
3. A Nebraska senator sued God.
Ernie Chambers filed a lawsuit against God back in 2007 in regards to natural disasters. He asked for a “permanent injunction ordering Defendant to cease certain harmful activities and the making of terroristic threats.” Chambers also cited that the “defendant directly and proximately has caused, inter alia, fearsome floods, egregious earthquakes, horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornados, pestilential plagues…” We’re all waiting for the Big Guy to retaliate.
4. An animal rights group sued on behalf of a monkey for ownership of selfies.
PETA, which stands for “People Putting Naked Actresses On Billboards,” filed a suit on behalf of a female monkey, asserting that the monkey should have copyright of the photo she took of herself when she stole a photographer’s selfie.
5. A man sued himself for $5 million.
Robert Lee Brock claimed he violated his own civil rights by getting arrested and filed a $5 million lawsuit against himself. However, because he was thrown in the slammer and had no income, he asked the state of Virginia to pay. Needless to say, he didn’t get very far.
6. Jack Ass sued Jackass.
A man who legally changed his name to Jack Ass in 1997 sued Viacom, MTV’s parent company, because they aired a show called Jackass, which apparently ruined his reputation. Sure, because that’s the only reason people might question his character. Mr. Ass sought $10 million but lost… because, obviously.
7. A dude sued a dry-cleaners for $67 million for losing his pants.
A guy in Washington, D.C. took his pants to the dry-cleaners and, according to him, they never returned the correct pair of pants; they betrayed their “satisfaction guaranteed” sign. This was reason enough to sue the company for $67 million, making this the most expensive pair of pants in the history of pants. Later, he dropped the case to just $54 million—what a guy, huh? This nutcase alleged that he experienced mental suffering, inconvenience and discomfort as a result. Basically, his life has been hell without these pants. The case ended with the offended pants-man running out of the courtroom crying.
Photo: iStock/Rob Foldy