I came across this craigslist ad for a guy named ‘Will’ trying to get hired in New York. Not really sure what he’s applying for, but his credentials are truly amazing.
In trying to visually represent this amazing find, I am using this image from an old New York Times article, which I have dubbed “The Economic Gloryhole”.
It accurately depicts the impact this ‘unstoppable economic force’ could have on our financial universe if hired.
In this period of high oil and commodity prices and a consumer-led recession wreaking havoc on our economy, this man could be the answer:
To use my incredible economic talents to combat recession and force the weak willed masses of the world to find joy in buying things they don’t need with money they don’t have.
I am an explosive force of human nature, a superhuman cyborg sent back through centuries to center one company as the focus of all sentient life. My creative energy has been rated unratable by the APA and received a 10.4 on the Richter scale. When I laugh buildings explode. I have laser vision and the ability to untie women’s braziers with my mind. At high speeds I can run across the surface of water and I drink very hot things without discomfort. My feet are incredibly large yet are somehow appealing. I can breath underwater.
Related Work Experience___________________________________________________
-Professional Hypnotist, The Jefferson County Fair, VT 1988ce-1990ce
Utilizing my incredible powers of persuasion I changed the face of Southern Vermont forever. There are reportedly hundreds of dairy farmers who still regularly join their own herds upon hearing the sound of a whistle. You are getting sleepy while you read this.
-Personal Assistant to Loki, Hall of the Gods, Norway 300bce-1984ce
Assisted in all things mischievous and general preparations for Ragnarok before taking a position as a financial advisor to the Reagan Administration
– Used Lighter Repairman, Flamers Smoke Shop, NJ 2004ce-2006ce
Head of the Department of Flamitory Creation Unit Resurrection in this family owned and operated business aimed at providing tobacco and other smoking related services to homosexuals in the Hoboken area.
-Bipedal Retail Specialist, Footlocker, NY 1992ce-Present
I help people find and put on shoes for them to buy in the store where I work.
Education and Training_______________________________________________________
Bachelor of the arts in Neuro-Hygenics from New York Institute of the Future 2345ce-2347ce
Associates degree in cosmetology from The Paul Mitchell School, Antioch TN 1985ce-2005ce
Computer: Familiar with both Macintosh and PC systems, Microsoft Office.
Language: Fluent in Asian.
References available upon request.
Being fluent in ‘Asian’ is quite impressive, however he lost all spelling points with me when he said, “I can breath underwater”. In spite of that, someone please hire this guy. After all, he can’t be any worse than her, can he?
Ending on a serious note – I really do hope someone comes up with the winning formula to force the weak willed masses to buy things they don’t need again. Times were so good back when we were all totally under that spell. Oh well. . . wait! Moon Shoes are on sale! Let the unnecessary spending resume.