Many of us have something we’re scared of — heights, the dark, clowns, the guy who does the voice for the Jack in the Box commercials. With a little research, we found hundreds of phobias that people claim to have — and doctors claim to be studying – and some of them range from uber dorky to just plain weird. Many of the phobias are treated with therapy, hypnosis, and waterboarding (just kidding, United Nations), but we also have found some additional solutions to solving what phobias may be ailing you. It’s a service we provide. Because we want you to get better…or just not be so weird anymore.
Paraskevidekatriaphobia is fear of Friday the 13th, and sufferers of said phobia typically believe the day to be unlucky, cursed, or an otherwise bad omen for a variety of reasons. The one common element in all sufferers, is (like most phobias) that their Paraskevidekatriaphobia is not grounded in any kind of logical reasoning. Most are likely falling prey to the deeply embedded culutural belief that Friday the 13th (and then umber 13, in general) are unlucky. This stems from a variety of sources, mostly religious. But the main reason Friday the 13th came be branded as an inauspicious day is that on Friday, October 13th in 1307, King Phillip executed most of the Knights Templar in France because he feared how powerful they had become. This is also referred to as Black Friday.
How to Beat It: Buy a calendar from the previous year, wait 24 hours, or just go into therapy like you should do for any phobia.
This predominately arises from a superstition in East Asian regions. And it is the fear of the number 4. We’ve always thought that out of all the numbers, 4 was the classic underachiever, but we’re not afraid of it. There have just been a handful of people admit to this fear in the US, but most of those cases involve the superstitions (i.e., crazy babble) from the East. And Green Bay Packer fans – wait, that’s a hatred for the number 4. Apparently, the Chinese word for 4 sounds a lot like their word for death. So someone spun a story out of this and sent half of Asia off to the unreasonable fear races. Hotels and hospitals skip the 4th floor entirely and many apartment buildings also omit floors 14, 24, 34, etc. In fact, Hong Kong has two buildings that skip the 40’s altogether, so make sure you have your measurements down before you bungee off any buildings in Hong Kong.
How to beat it: If you have embraced this particular phobia, we have just the cure. Watch this video on a loop for a 72-hour period. Afterwards, you’ll realize that 4 isn’t scary at all. He’s just a psychedelic dude wanting to have a good time.
We sympathize with you because many of us suffer from this debilitating fear. It may not have a sexy sounding name like some of the other phobias, but it’s just as real. Symptoms range from sweating, breathlessness, sharp pains, heartbeat acceleration, and many other anxiety-related physical collapses. A bunch of smart dudes studied the phobia and found that Workplace Phobia is a more complex fear than say, Arachnophobia (no, it wasn’t just a Jeff Daniels starring vehicle in the early 90’s. It’s a real phobia). They also found that it can be particularly destructive to the person, like losing their job for excessive sick days or feeling like a failure when they can’t hold a job because of severe farting at your desk. That sucks for everyone.
How to beat it: There are some complicated therapy measures that include talking about your feelings and discovering the stimulus, but we suggest you just become an Agoraphobic (basically a fear of leaving your house) — and say hello to unemployment checks.
Ah, the fear of dancing. When the late Patrick Swayze claimed “Nobody puts Baby in a corner!” so many years ago, then proceeded to dirty dance with her, he was actually backing hundreds of Chorophobia sufferers into that very corner. This phobia is said to result from the person’s “unwillingness to become aroused, get excited, or ecstatic.” They may think that dancing will make them feel, um, aroused, or they may bring unwanted embarrassment on themselves from their nifty moves on the floor. Symptoms for this phobia are similar to most anxiety-related fears, you know, short of breath, sweating like a cow, projectile vomiting, and nose bleeds (if the dance hall is in a high elevation city like Denver). We don’t have a fear of dancing – because we just gotta’ get our groove on – but we do share a similar phobia: Chorogordophobia (the fear of dancing with fat people).
“Fear of seeing, thinking about or having an erect penis.” You might be waiting for the punch line, but this is a phobia that can affect men and women alike. Sure, if we were getting ready to enter prison for a six month stint, we might suddenly develop this phobia, too, but for the common gal out there that is looking for someone to father her children, Ithyphallophobia might become a hurdle in the relationship. Luckily for the person afeared of the erect penis, the phobia does not seem to extend to other phallic items like popsicles, parking meters, and gas pump nozzles. Because it’d really suck to not be able to enjoy popsicles, right?
How to beat it (hehe): Therapy for this has been said to take a long time. Extended exposure to the fear (in this case, a penis) is sometimes used, as well as extensive hypnosis. We say, opt for the hypnosis. Note: a similar phobia also can be cured by hypnosis. Aulophobia, a fear of flutes.
Do you find yourself afraid of the barista at your local coffee shop that is missing one finger? Or does the sight of a one-legged man send you into panic mode? If so, then you have Apotemnophobia – fear of amputees. This phobia must have been a bitch for soldiers in the Civil War where they just lopped off limbs on the field, put a bandage on it and kept going. It’s not quite clear where this phobia comes from, but we’re guessing it has to do with a bad experience with someone missing a part of their body. Or maybe you watched The Fugitive too many times during your formidable years (that was a one-armed man reference for those who missed Harrison Ford’s masterpiece). Either way, you must remain calm and control that building anxiety. Amputees are people, too…just not complete people.
How to beat it: Hypnotherapy works. But we suggest using a hatchet to cut your own hand off. Now you know how they feel.
The old fear of being infested with worms. Someone with this phobia has more than just a fear to overcome. What about the severe delusion, complete detachment from reality, or the inability to rationalize? Just to name a few, of course. We could care less about being infested with worms. Wanna’ know why? Because we’re more worried about the being dead for days part. You can have worms while being alive, but the Helminthophobics are worried about a full-on infestation of worms. If you are in fact infested with worms, you my friend, are no longer living. And if you are, don’t hesitate to fill out those organ donor cards pronto. Well, at least the cards for the organs not infested with worms. Zombie.
How to beat it: Do they still use blood letting and leeches to suck out the demons? Yeah, try that, Psycho.
Um, this one needs to be dealt with asap. It’s the fear of urine, or urinating. We understand the urine part. Every time we hit the gym showers all we can think about are the likely particles of pee that are splashing all around us and clinging to our legs. But to have a fear of urinating is a whole different world of insanity altogether. We’re no doctors, but we’re guessing that regularly emptying one’s bladder is essential to not dying of some gross infection. And according to George Costanza, holding it in is bad for the kidneys. So that must mean the kidneys have some kind of function that involves urination, right? Does anyone have a 6th grade Science book handy?
How to beat it: Purchase one bottle of tequila and one gallon of water. Return home and consume both of these in one sitting. In a few hours, you’ll wake up to find your urination problem solved – probably a few times. That wasn’t so scary, now was it?