Independence Day is upon us, and unless your boss has a gigantic, firecracker-shaped stick up their butt, you’ve got a three-day weekend coming your way. Last year, we brought you some sexy Americans, but we’re a little classier now. What to do, what to do!? Well, in situations like these, we prefer to learn from the triumphs and travails of our ancestors. We looked into what our Founding Father’s got down in their free time. Now, you can party like them.
Thomas Jefferson – Cook and eat gourmet French food
Thomas Jefferson was perhaps the most widely-talented renaissance man of the Founding Fathers. In addition to being an architect of nations, Jefferson was an accomplished designer and civil architect. In fact, he is responsible for the design of the Virginia State Capitol as well as his home, Monticello, nearby. We’re a little close to Independence Day for you to mount a large scale construction project, so why don’t you focus on doing something else Jefferson did well: prepare gourmet French food. As a man of culinary refinement and a devotee to French culture, he would’ve been the first to break a baguette. Here’s one the simplest and easiest (and, frankly, most American) French recipes we found:
Brie pané avec ses deux sauces (courtesy of Easy French Food)
2 tablespoons flour
1/2 cup dried bread crumbs
1/2 pound Brie cheese
oil for frying
1. Place the flour and bread crumbs on separate plates. Mix the eggs and water in a bowl.
2. Slice the Brie up.
3. Dip cubes first in the flour, then in the egg, then in the bread crumbs.
4. To fry, heat about 1/8 inch of oil; add the chunks and cook until brown.
5. Choose two sauces for dipping – they suggest a vinegar jelly and a French mustard of your choice.
Ben Franklin – Get it on
Ben Franklin was a prolific inventor, a ruthless businessman, a skilled theoretician, and one of the cornerstones upon which this nation was raised in its infancy. He also was a incorrigible ass addict. Among his many dalliances, his most famous produced an illegitimate son, William. Franklin publically acknowledged his son in a sort of “hate the game, not the player” move. And, happily, William would grow up to be the last Loyalist governor of New Jersey. All is well that ends well when what you do us based on love. Or, in this case, lust. For more on William’s shocking story, see below.
George Washington – Give yourself a makeover
You don’t have to go full spa day (you can if you want), but take this Independence day and spruce yourself up a bit for goodness sake. A little known fact about George Washington is that he was born with a big old head of flaming red hair. This was not a desirable trait at the time (we’ve come a long way to find some sexy redheads these days), so George Washington powdered his hair rather than wearing a wig as was popular at the time. He also had several sets of false teeth made – none of them made him particularly pretty, not even the hippo ivory set, but you gotta try something. We suggest getting a haircut from a licensed barber, one that uses scissors not clippers and costs over $40, then stick around for a straight razor shave.
Alexander Hamilton – Shoot something
Alexander Hamilton was a brilliant political mind who contributed to our country, among other things, some of the pillars of our current political philosophy in the form of The Federalist Papers. He was the Secretary of the Treasury and he founded the U.S. Mint. He was an impressive guy. But, what’s he most famous for? He’s famous for getting shot. In a gentleman’s [sic] duel with his political and social rival, Aaron Burr, he was gunned down. The hell of it was that in matters like this, it was a generally agreed-upon practice for both gunmen to ‘throw their fire.’ That is, they would both purposefully shoot off-target so that they could be said to have been brave enough to fire, yet not actually be dead. Aaron Burr was a dick, shot Hamilton, and what better way to honor his sacrifices and contributions to our nation than to go to your local gun range and rent a giant gun.
James Madison – Ride your bike
Sure, he may not have a giant monument in the National Mall, he might not be on the quarter, but James Madison has a pretty cool legacy of his own. Arguably the most dangerous type of bicycle racing is named after him. Madison Racing is what the modern-day Velodrome is based on. This is the type of track racing where the competitors are basically welded into their pedals and ride bikes without brakes. It makes for some horrific crashes, and it’s one hell of a good time. So get out and take some two-wheeled risks today for old Jim Madison.
Sam Adams – Drink some beer
You’ve surely had Sam Adams beer – we’re big fans of their Summer brews, their new custom glasses come off a little bit gimmicky, but we still definitely buy in. And, guess what, Sam Adams – the real one – really was a brewer. This Founding Father actually founded his brewery with his own, actual, biological father. The two ran it together until dear old dad passed on, Then Sam ran it by himself for another 20 years. There wasn’t much money in it, he just did it (apparently) for the memories and the brews. That’s something we can get behind this Independence Day. Cheers.