Yesterday, Al-Qaeda placed long-time bin Laden advisor Ayman al-Zawahiri in charge. And this free-thinking Egyptian Islamic theologian has some big policy changes in store for his followers.

1. Beginning in February 2012, martyrs will receive 75 Virgins in heaven instead of 72.

2. In addition to the two eyeholes, women’s burkas will reveal one nostril.

3. All martyrs over the age of 65 will receive suicide suspenders instead of belts.

4. All jihad videos will be shot in Hi-Def.

5. Beards will now be close-cropped so that messages can be carved into the sides, just like Ron Artest does with his hair.

6. There will now be a U after the Q in Qaeda—just like all the other words in English.

7. Instead of hating Jews, focus will shift to hating the Amish who have stolen many of our fashion trends.

8. Anyone who utters the words “Seal Team 6” will have to put a penny in the swear jar.

9. Mascara and rouge will now be supplied to cover up all prayer bumps on our foreheads. God knows who’s praying and who’s not—we don’t need to advertise.

10. Big Love screenings in large cave moved from 7:30 to 8.

11. Old red-and-white-checkered head scarves must be recycled and mailed to Italy so they can reuse them as tablecloths.

12. Abbottabad will be renamed BinLadenagood.

13. Free yoga classes to help the less nimble get into cross-legged sitty position.