Osama bin Laden, may you rot in hell. May your skin burn in an eternal lake of fire. May your soul be enveloped in cold darkness. May your mind experience torment for the rest of eternity.

May your eyes know only blindness.

Oh foul bastard, may your ears hear only Rebecca Black’s Friday.

May your pain and suffering be as unrelenting as a Corky Romano marathon.

May you watch Bravo until the end of days.

We wish upon you hell, but not the hell of mortals — the hell of the massively unjust.

May you stand in a DMV line for 10,000 years.

May you get stuck in a phone booth with Nancy Grace.

May Keanu Reeves play you in the movie.

With vultures tearing the skin off your feet, and a vest of razor blades adorning your chest, may you only know comfort when the Chicago Cubs win a World Series.

May your only shoes be Crocs.

May the only food you are allowed to eat come from a vegan co-op.

May the virgins awaiting you in paradise be Mormon, and shy, not quite ready to put out, and just want to talk.

Oh, Satan, we turn to you now, and we beseech thee — take a moment from helping Donald Trump’s presidential campaign and grant us these wishes, so that Osama bin Laden may rot in hell for all eternity, the cowardly scum.


— Joe Donatelli and Steve Mazzucchi, the editors of Made Man