Donald Trump has proven himself capable of taking on powerful, well-funded opponents.
I refer of course to his 2007 Wrestlemania XXIII victory over World Wrestling Entertainment owner Vince McMahon in the “Battle of the Billionaires: Hair vs. Hair” match.
Yes, this actually happened, leading to “one billionaire shaving another billionaire’s head” in the greatest display of billionaire-on-billionaire violence since Warren Buffett gave Bill Gates a purple nurple in 2002.
Now former Texas governor, former Air Force captain, and current Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry has told The Donald: “Let’s get a pull-up bar out there and let’s see who can do the most pull-ups,” suggesting the next president should be determined largely by displays of upper-body strength from two men within spitting range of 70.
As an American voter, there’s only one logical reaction to this idea: make it part of the presidential debates as soon as humanly possible.
How can we trust a person to boost our economy if they can’t lift their own body weight?
Here’s the easiest, fairest solution for all candidates: Do a pull-up, get on stage.
Can’t do one? Go to Canada immediately. (And not one of the parts that are faintly American like Toronto or have lots of strip clubs like Montreal. We’re talking Winnipeg.)
This requirement will be hard on some candidates—awkward glance in Chris Christie’s direction—but how can we trust a person to boost our economy if they can’t lift their own body weight?
After all, haven’t our greatest leaders been political and physical powerhouses?
Abraham Lincoln? Gifted wrestler. (Yes, by appearing at Wrestlemania, Trump was indeed conducting himself in a Lincoln-esque fashion.)
George Washington? Threw a silver dollar across the goddam Potomac River. (Presumably because he was pissed off that, unlike the paper version, it had Dwight Eisenhower on it instead of him.)
Franklin Delano Roosevelt?
The point is, might makes right, which is why Trump’s appearance at Wrestlemania convinced me he’ll be a great commander in chief… but “Stone Cold” Steve Austin shall be an even greater one.
In summary, Made Man fully endorses the presidential pull-up requirement and urges both parties to embrace it. In fact, we’re making some early predictions:
Predicted Pull-Ups: 10
Reasoning: If he couldn’t do at least a few, probably wouldn’t have suggested this.
Predicted Pull-Ups: 50
Reasoning: As happened at Wrestlemania, will bring in former ECW World Heavyweight Champion Bobby Lashley to do the actual physical stuff for him.
Predicted Pull-Ups: Hundreds (if not thousands)
Reasoning: Cyborgs tend to be jacked.