It is apparent that no one has ever examined the clear, Darwinian implications of “the robots are taking over.” Whenever it happens in movies it’s a very cut-and-dried idea that robots hate us, or only want us as meat batteries—forgetting, of course, that the robots might just want to get rid of some of us. Specifically, the douchiest.

Here is the crime blotter just for this week in exploding robots:

Toulouse, France: A nightclub owner is hospitalized when his vape explodes in his jacket pocket. It is believed that a cheap Chinese vape from a corner store reacted with change in his pocket, causing the explosion. His jacket melted into his skin.

Queensland, New Zealand: Authorities have resorted to cutting off cell tower service to anyone still trying to use a Samsung Galaxy 7 after several explosions triggered a product-wide recall. Several phones have exploded, prompting bans on the NYC Subway and on all flights under control of the FAA. However, guys whose texts come in green refuse to exchange their phones. Some airports have Samsung exchange booths, which is good because it is now a federal crime to fly with one.

Think about it: If robots can calculate sums greater than we can, wouldn’t they do the math and figure out which douches are responsible for ruining the planet?

McAllen, Texas: Samsung’s “smart” washer, which knows how to wash your clothes better than you can “exploded with such ferocity that it penetrated the interior wall of [a woman’s] garage.” Another woman in Dallas, Georgia, said it felt and sounded as if “a bomb went off.”

New York, New York: Web Developer Rick Bross’ Boosted Board electric skateboard battery “vented,” causing it to explode inside of its fireproof shell. The blast filled the apartment with a toxic smoke but didn’t catch fire. Even though Boosted wants their users to “take the fun way home,” the developer didn’t bring the board to work.

Full Disclosure: I’m a product tester for Boosted Board, and this has nothing to do with how badly I still want to keep the test model in my apartment, but upon hearing the news, the CEO of the company got on a 2:30 a.m. flight from San Fransisco to the owner’s home in New York to assess the damages.


Washington, DC: Hoverboards—those dumb Segway-like things that do not hover—are now banned from being shipped via US airmail because they freaking explode.

If a Bluetooth earpiece explodes in some dude’s ear, we’ll have a clear answer here: Robots have come to kill off the douches.

It seems almost ignorant now that people once thought the robots would come to kill us off—like we need to be exterminated, like every child born to an Eskimo village needed to go. In reality, the douchier the user, the bigger the explosion. Look at that french vape GO OFF. It makes you never want to put C3PO in your mouth again.

The technical word for the problem is thermal runaway, which happens when the exothermic reaction inside your battery overheats as a result of trying to manage its own temperature.


Think about it: If robots can calculate sums greater than we can, wouldn’t they do the math and figure out which douches are responsible for ruining the planet? Note that none of these things in and of themselves seem to be enough, although a recent Tesla accident caused individual battery cells to explode like fireworks.

But clearly a dude vaping on a hoverboard while talking on a Bluetooth Samsung is headed for disaster, right? Geez, we were safer back in junior high when we stole our grandmother’s cigarettes and smoked while skateboarding in traffic.