It’s upon us, Man-Friends. The Gridiron Season. In all its sweating, toiling, and general ass-kicking glory. We have it to bask in until the first week of February, 2010 and — thanks to round-the-clock programming on the NFL Network — can enjoy it at any waking hour of the day. Food will be consumed that could possibly trigger a heart attack. Alcohol will be consumed that will likely earn you a DUI. And asskicking football will be watched hours upon end. We’re gettin’ a little teary-eyed.
You love hanging with your home boys to watch the goodness, but there’s always ‘that guy.’ You know the one. He didn’t read the rules before he showed up to watch the game(s). Yeah. These rules.
Be prepared to lock it in for the day and absorb the day’s offerings. A Sunday of watching professional football will cover at least 10 ½ hours and college football viewing can be several hours more than that. The first guy to leave the show pack will receive a scarlet ‘P’ for life and be deemed a pussy for eternity.
Hold Your Booze
Nothing sucks more than the douche that passes out at halftime. Either pace yourself or build up a tolerance like a real man. Football and booze go together like peanut butter and jelly, so if you can’t handle the combo, then go watch tennis with the other pansies.
Forget the Stats
We know you must be proud of yourself for knowing how many yards Doug Williams tossed in Super Bowl XXII and want to spout this put during the half time chicken wing lunch. Here’s a tip: no one else cares. Numbers may make you feel a movement in your pants, but 99.9% of real football dudes will want to kick you in the vagina for boring them with this crap. Zip it and watch the game, Nerdly.
Leave the Kids at Home
We know. The condom broke six years ago and now you have a lovely daughter that you love and adore. Problem is, your wife has a six hour wedding shower to attend and your babysitter is still processing that restraining order. Bringing your little tyke to watch the games with the guys won’t be such a big deal, right? Wrong. You’d be better of Benadryl-ing the child and going to watch the games while hoping the cops are none the wiser.
Leave Your Chick at Home
Even worse than bringing your brat to watch the game is allowing your gal to tag along. You know your friend Jim who said his wife will be coming to watch and your two ladies can hang out together? She won’t show up. Now you have your football-hating girl shooting you daggers while you eat 12 pounds of chips and dip. As a bonus, your friends will now hate you and your chick won’t give it up until at least mid-season. Trust us.
Don’t Ask Questions
“There is never a dumb question” was the dumbest advice any teacher every doled out. When watching football – or any sport for that matter – don’t ask what is obvious to every one else present. That last call was an illegal formation. You are watching the game. How could you not know that, Idiot?
Dial the Outfit Down
Okay, we hate the jersey-wearing douches partly because those things cost more than our monthly salary, but we’ll deal with it. What you can’t do is add the dumbass accessories. You know, the matching hat, the team-emblem-shaped watch, the socks pulled up to your beach-cut shorts, the f’ing face paint, the color-coordinated jock strap. You are a walking billboard for your team. And everyone wants to punch you for it.
Break Your Fingers
Having six fantasy leagues going and four pick ‘em leagues is fun and all, but you don’t have to text a comment about every single play to smartNFLtool@gmail.com — under the guise of trash talking. Avoid exercising your fingers while drinking in the action. Unless it’s to grasp two cans of beer at the same time or shoving a middle at someone’s team. Those are football approved exercises.