The largest comprehensive survey of American sexual behavior published since 1994 has just been released. No need to read the entire 138-page Journal of Sexual Medicine report from Indiana University’s Center for Sexual Health Promotion. (Although you can do so <a target="_blank" href="”>here, if you want.) This is all you really need to know:

Winning combination

The 5,865 men and women between the ages of 14 and 94 reported recently taking part in one of 41 different combinations of sexual acts. Six of the combinations, including the most popular (penile-vaginal intercourse), involved just one act. For the overachiever, the study listed combinations that included up to five separate sex acts. Example: “Partnered masturbation, gave oral sex, received oral sex, penile-vaginal intercourse, receptive anal sex.” The most popular combination for women between the ages of 25 to 29 was “gave oral sex, received oral sex, penile-vaginal intercourse.” When it comes to oral sex, men prefer to give than to receive. But the older men get, the more likely they are to give. 

Men are people, too

Men have a reputation as pigs, and perhaps deservedly so (I am looking in your direction The Situation), but men whose most recent sex was with a relationship partner indicated greater arousal, greater pleasure and fewer problems with sexual dysfunction. 

Women lie

About 85 percent of men report that their partner had an orgasm the last time they had sex. But only 64 percent of women say they had an orgasm the last time they had sex. So, insert random 1991 female stand-up comedian joke here.

Be careful

Condoms are used 20 percent of the time by sexually active Americans. Statistic I now feel obligated to include: Every year more than 19 million sexually transmitted infections are estimated to occur in the U.S., many off them outside the cast of Jersey Shore.

Why YouPorn exists

Almost half of all women between the ages of 18 and 39 masturbate. For men 25 to 39 years old, it’s 95.5 percent. One can only assume the other 4.5 percent have no arms.

Never give up your apartment

Men who had a relationship with a non-cohabitating partner were more likely to receive oral sex than their peers who shacked up. So remember that when she asks you to move in.

Women like multitasking

Men are most likely to have an orgasm through vaginal intercourse. Women are most likely to have an orgasm when they engage in a variety of sex acts, the most important of which is shopping. Just kidding. Most popular combination for women: oral sex and vaginal intercourse.

What? What? In the butt

Twenty percent of women between the ages of 20 and 39 had anal sex in the last year. So, cue the sad trombone. There is an 80 percent chance you will hear the word no.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that

Some 7 percent of men and 8 percent of women identified themselves as gay, lesbian or bisexual, but 15 percent of men between the ages of 50-59 reported receiving oral sex from another man at some point. A stunning number of them were United States Senators. Probably. OK, we have no way of verifying that. But let’s just assume they were.