Fetishes might be too naughty a term. “Romance preferences” might be a better choice. And the rich folk of the world get to indulge. Sure, we’ve all dreamed about having deep pockets and piles of cash – because it means access to “gettin’ it on like a millionaire.” But we also live in the real world of dinner alone at Subway and sex with the lights off once a month.
The richies are certainly just like us in that they like their romancin’ to have a little kinky spice, except they can actually afford the sprinkle of Mrs. Sex Dash. We decided to poll some wealthy blokes about their sexual cravings — except we don’t know any wealthy guys, so we polled our boss and the slightly abrasive homeless man outside of IHOP. When most of their answers contained unicorns and someone playing the cello while operating the bedroom camcorder, we decided to cast a wider net for our poll.
After an exhaustive global interview process focusing on the fetish fun of the wealthy, we’re now ready to break down the kinky ways of the rich Mack Daddy.
Exclusive Nude Beaches
There’s a weird tugging deep inside all of us that wants to be naked in public with other naked people. Sure, nude beaches are all around the globe, but sometimes the rich people want to let it hang with only the pretty people. And who can blame them? There are exclusive sections of nude beaches (mostly in Europe, of course) where only non-fat/non-ugly/non-ancient people can pay top dollar to strip down and enjoy a romantic day in the sand. We’re not positive what the policy is about getting cozy with your gal while on said naked beach, but since everyone is rich, beautiful, and nude, we’re pretty sure the rules are flexible. Let this be a lesson to you Kids: with a little hard work and a lot cheating your way through school, you can buy a spot on a nude beach without having to see naked fat people.
Line to use when you become rich: “The best nude beach is Swanbourne Beach in Perth, Australia, but France will have to do for now.”
Doing It on the Big Screen
It’s a rich person’s sex tape…the larger-than-life version. This isn’t some XTube excursion for the 8 Mile crowd, this is a full blown (no pun intended) theatrical production. Apparently some wealthy peeps don’t want to be bothered with the hassle of ‘manning’ their own video camera while recording their own Ray J/Kim Kardashian cinematic masterpiece, so they hire out. You can get a professional videographer to do your sex tape, and the package (hehe) comes with a couple of cameras on tri-pods (God, this just writes itself) and an actual theater-sized screen. The wealth rats usually have a room large enough to accommodate the ‘production’, and on some occasions, they do a drive-in theater version in their backyard. Oh, to be The Donald.
Line to use when you become rich: “On camera, everything looks bigger. Except I really am that well-endowed.”
Shared Room Groovin’
It’s not an orgy situation and there is not someone else participating in their naked romanticizing. There is, however, another couple in the room doing exactly what they are doing. In an attempt to satisfy a fantasy without actually satisfying the real fantasy, rich people have taken to paying top dollar to do the horizontal tango in the proximity of another couple. We’re not sure of the appeal — okay, not sure of the appeal for the chicks involved – but these escapades are becoming more and more common. Rumor has it couples are even hiring themselves out for such evenings. Is that legal? If you are rich, then yes.
Line to use when you become rich: “Come on, Motel 6 even has HBO!”
Mile High Club
Anyone with some frequent flier miles or access to Jet Blue discounts could join the Mile High Club, but 99.9% of them do not. There are obvious reasons, such as nosy stewardesses, cramped bathrooms, and getting your significant other to go along with the plan. However, living the high life can take all the hard work out of knocking boots 35,000 feet up. Paris Hilton did it. Having a private jet allows you the room to, um, maneuver, and gives you the authority to tell the flight attendant to F-off. Or join in, if that’s your bag.
Line to use when you become rich: “How’d you like to have a lay-over in the sky?”
Yes, Kids, this does happen. It doesn’t happen in the working class communities or trailer parks, but it happens in the lives of bored, uber-wealthy, sexually-starved Americans. We all know the premise: Every man that attends the party drops their keys into a bucket. Then the women draw a set of keys out of the bucket without looking. The idea is, the keys unlock the pants of the man that owns the keys. Yes, it’s a swinger-sort-of deal. And yes, rich people usually only associate with attractive people that like to drink a lot, so it’s a win-win for them. We’re not condoning such a party, but this is another bonus to being rich. Okay, yes, we condone it.
Line to use when you become rich: “Hey, those are my keys. Guess we get to have sex now!”
The Car Crash Thing
The clinical term is Symphorophilia, but we call it rich-nerd-hot. There is a subculture out there that gets there rocks off on cars crashing and ‘making it’ in the twisted wreckage afterwards. David Cronenberg made a movie about it in 1996, but the film did not delve into the reality of who really participates in this activity: the mega-rich. The wealthy can afford to buy two clunkers to crash head-on and the crew to set it up. You can’t. Not that you’d be in to navigating your way around the steering wheel now jammed into the back seat.
Line to use when you become rich: “Sure, it’s totaled, but at least the radio still works.”