Final exams are over, pencils and books are no more, and school’s most definitely out for summer. There’ll be no interminable graduation speeches here about memories and vague cliches about the road ahead. We only deal in hot chick cliches around here, and this feature is about one of the greatest, most time-honored cliches of them all: the seductive teacher.
If there’s one universal truth in this world, it’s that every guy had at least one teacher they secretly prayed would keep them in detention for some after-school study sessions. There are countless adult films to validate that assertion, and even a few real-life instances of hot teachers going after their much younger students (lucky schmucks). So, take a moment to honor the memory of your own personal amour academe; then, start humming Van Halen’s "Hot For Teacher" and check out a few of the many gorgeous schoolteachers who’ve tutored us on the equations of love.
Jennifer and her chiseled body famously played Alex Owens in 1983’s Flashdance, though she’s now probably better known for playing teacher Bette Porter on Showtime’s The L Word. The, “L,” apparently stands for, “Lesbian,” but we can dream it’s, “Likes-men-who-write-articles-for-the-internet.” Her body still has the power to get grown men hotter than the flame of welder’s blowtorch, which she so expertly handled back in the day. Mix in some hot girl-on-girl drama and you’ve got all the components of the quintessential male fantasy.
Leslie is a hilarious hottie, perhaps best recognized as Katherine Heigl’s sister in 2007’s Knocked Up. Of course, she also played teacher Lisa Zachey in modern masterpiece Drillbit Taylor. Leslie is married to prolific writer/producer Judd Apatow. He can keep making the same movie over and over again as long as he casts her in each of his films, since we think she’s still hot enough to get into the clubs.
Before Liz Lemon was making us laugh at her endearing neuroses and sexy smarts on 30 Rock, she played the excellently sarcastic Ms. Norbury in Mean Girls, which she wrote herself. Not to completely stereotype Ms. Fey, but her trademark glasses do lend her to the hot teacher fantasy so well. The fact that she’s a fantastic writer just adds to her allure and even to the whole "unattainablity" aspect of the teacher/student, um, relationship that many wish they shared with her.
Ms. Bowen is an experienced TV actress and a bonafide babe. Perhaps Julie’s best-known role was on the television series Ed, where she played high school English teacher Carol Vessey, whom Ed–and most of the male audience–fell in love with. She’s been on tons of other shows, including Boston Legal where she went into actual labor with her son Oliver at the tail end of filming her fake labor scene. Now that’s method acting. It’s that kind of dedication to her craft that makes her even hotter.
Swank is a multi-Oscar award-winning actress who managed to earn one of those Oscars by portraying someone who was trying to pass as a boy. When you’re able to act away a body as hot as Ms. Swank’s, you know you’ve got enough talent to take home that gold statue. Hilary made a Michelle Pfeiffer -esque turn with her recent inspirational teaching story Freedom Writers. It competes well with Dangerous Minds in the title-pun department, but sadly it lacked a Coolio title track.
Here she is: one of the most alluring film teachers continues to live on in the memories of 90’s kids raised on a steady diet of Adam Sandler movies. Wilson will always be remembered as Miss Veronica Vaughn, the pinnacle of 3rd grade teacher sexiness. Granted, we didn’t really understand the strange physical feelings we felt while watching Billy Madison over and over again; but, once we grew up, we realized what a educational treasure Miss Vaughn was and remains to this day. We don’t want to annoy anyone else, Ms. Vaughn; we only want to annoy you.
Sharon’s scintillating presence has been felt in theater, film, and TV for years. If you’re a big musical theatre fan (as all Chicki readers are, of course), you’d recognize her from her first break during the original national tour of Rent. She made her impression on the teaching impression as strong-willed Ms. Sudor on the very popular Boston Public. In the show, she was voted as the "teacher all the student wants to sleep with," which puts her right at the top of Chickipedia’s "Hottest Actresses to be Voted as Hottest Teacher Characters" list.
It’s hard to write a bio for Ms. Shahi because the picture above is…man, I wish I knew where that apartment was. Is it a loft? I hope her clothes are damaged beyond repair and…oh, right. It’s very distracting. Ms. Shahi has a very rich ancestry of Iranian aristocracy: She is the great-great-great grandaughter of the 19th century Iranian king Fath Ali Shah Qajar. She is also of Mexican heritage and was born in Euloo, Texas. Her actual given first name is Aahoo (god bless you), which is Persian for "gazelle." Basically, she’s giving Moon Bloodgood a real run for her money in the cool name department. She played a super hot Latina teacher on the ill-fated, but aptly named for this article, TV show Teachers. Let’s see…she’s a princess and a super hot teacher, are those not enough nocturnal-emission-generating identities for you? She was also a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. Check. Mate.
Party on, Garth. And, please understand that "party" in this instance is meant to signify "stay unbelievable hot." Jennie Garth originally hails from Ilinois, where she grew up on her family’s horse ranch. She sloughed off her country origins, Beverly Hillbillies-style, in the most literal way possible: becoming one of the most beloved characters on Beverly Hills 90210. Ms. Garth gets special teacher recognition for her student-to-teacher transformation on the latest iteration of the teeny-bopper classic. Now that’s some intertexual healing, if you know what I mean. No, you don’t? It’s a pretty standard film theory term, and, uh…ah forget it.
Krista holds a special spot on this list, not so much for her role as a teacher on the WB’s Smallville–though she was outstandingly sexy and provocative in that show–as for another role of hers. You may remember her from a certain brief, but very memorable scene in the standout Jim Carrey film Liar, Liar. Yes, she was the gorgeous woman in the elevator whose breasts evoked Carrey’s most infantile display of affection: "Mama! Mama!" You can make your own sucking sounds and inappopriate gestures at your desk; make sure your HR person isn’t walking around behind you though.