It is the year 2019. A plague has transformed most of the humans on the planet into vampires. There are two ways to look at this turn of events, as presented in the movie “Daybreakers.” You can either view this development as bad news for mankind, or you can be a tad more open-minded about the whole situation and view this as very sexy news for mankind. Our glass, as always, is half-sexy. A planet populated by these biting beauties might not be so bad.
In “Underworld,” Kate Beckinsale plays Selene, a beautiful vampire warrior who shadows and falls in love with a man. The dude becomes infected with a rare disease during a battle with a werewolf overlord. Now Selene has to choose – shack up with the infected human or ride out her 40s as her nieces’ and nephews’ kooky single aunt.
I like to imagine that this is how the movie “From Dusk Till Dawn” was pitched. “So, a vampire Salma Hayek dances seductively at a bar called the Titty Twister…” Sold! “But we haven’t told you the rest of the plot.” Don’t care. “The dancing is only one small part of the movie. ” So. “So? So I got George Clooney, you know, the dude from ‘ER.’ He’s in it.” Great. Just don’t let him get in the way of the dancing.
Nikki Reed plays Rosalie Hale in “Twilight.” Of course, you already knew that if you were 15. And a girl. In the book, Rosalie is described as being the most beautiful person in the world, which will certainly come as a shock to Ryan Seacrest. Rosalie has normal vampire skills like speed, super strength, granite-hard skin, immortality and breasts that shoot bat-shaped lasers. (Not really. Just seeing if you were paying attention.)
Queen Sophie-Ann of “True Blood,” played by Evan Rachel Wood, is new to the vampire game, joining the show during the final episode of the second season. This is how she described her character to E! “She’s not necessarily a lesbian. Her human partner is a girl, but I’m pretty sure she goes both ways. I think vampires are like that in general.” Yes. Yes, they are.
We can all pretty much agree that “Blade II” was the greatest movie of all time? Right? I mean, how can you argue with this plot: “Blade forms an uneasy alliance with the vampire council in order to combat the Reaper vampires who feed on vampires.” The enemy of my enemy is my friend. And if the enemy of my enemy is Leonor Varela, even better.
Those of us who experienced Jami Gertz as Star in “The Lost Boys” during our formative years seriously considered the merits of a life of vampirism, and on occasion, still do, the Frog brothers be damned.
Darla, played by Julie Benz, appeared in both “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “Angel,” as perhaps the most popular syphilitic television character of all time. (Darla contracted the disease as a young prostitute in 16th-century England, back when not having syphilis made you some type of weirdo.) Darla cannot enter the home of a living human without first being invited by someone who lives there, as is the case with most syphilis sufferers.