Let’s just agree that no one likes cargo shorts. The Guardian say they’re hideous. The Washington Post thinks they’re elitist Blue State wear at best. Mashable thinks they’re the Trump hat of summer wear. We’ve said it all before, too.

Why in the middle of the hottest days of summer do men insist on wearing an extra pair of droopy scrotums?

Most guys won’t admit that they’re self-conscious about their legs. But does that mean hiding your knobby knees in ex-military fatigues is the answer? Jonah Hill put it best in Superbad:

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So why do they persist? It’s a simple matter of options. Cargo shorts are on a list of things you only do because you have no other options. Things like:
Pulling out
Women-first dating apps.
Choosing a candidate in this election.

Are there really no other options? Everyone looks good in jeans, so how come literally only one person (Lemmy) has ever looked cool in jorts? You could sport your latest mesh basketball shorts… and your boner. Wearing board shorts in public makes you look like an idiot and, with only that single back pocket, you’re gonna end up sitting on your phone. Also, which one of these guys would you punch first?:

BOYS

For years I just suffered through summers and wore jeans. Swimsuits for the beach (and yes, real men wear short shorts) and then, after sundown, I’d sweat in my rag & bone jeans.

They’d be sweaty, yes, and I’d have a permanent rip in the crotch that’d get bigger each time I’d try to get on a hammock/beach bike/jet ski. Somewhere I have a platonic ideal of summer shorts and it breaks down like this:

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Until, finally, I got these shorts from lululemon, which have an embarrassing lululemon product name. I know this because, multiple times this week, guys have come up to me asking where they can get a pair and I have to whisper, “They’re called the ‘Intent’ shorts.”

With every other kind of shorts, there are those annoying trouser-pockets where you’re going to lose your phone or wallet if you sit in a dark movie theater or lay down on a picnic blanket. The lulus have a snug internal pocket inside each pocket that will hold your phone in one and your wallet in the other.

I wouldn’t think stretch would be something I liked, but after straddling my bike a couple times I was sold. And I still can’t believe that the same people who make those pants that make me want to look at girls’ butts also have something for us. They are, in short, everything you want out of jean shorts without the funny looks.

Summer is the time to relax, to take the pressure off, to run in the surf, to get splashed in a boat. It’s too fucking hot to give a shit that someone is looking at the logo on your butt and making assumptions. So if you’re tough enough to grill, to ride your bike in the heat, to hold a beer while you drive a speedboat, you’re tough enough to tell any asshole you meet that your yoga shorts are just fine by you. Okay? Namaste.

PS: I hope they’re handing these out to the guys who work at the lululemon factory because, according to the tag, they are made in Vietnam.

PPS: Aren’t you glad you don’t work at the Wall Street Journal?