Rich guys get all the coolest stuff, like their own dating services and extra smart kids. And private islands too, right? Well… not so fast. Surprisingly enough, a private island can be yours. And you don’t even need to send any money to a Nigerian prince (though he’d probably appreciate it).

They’re not as expensive as you think

Privateislandsonline.com, just one of the several websites dealing in the sale and rental of private islands, lists their islands by price range. The "$250,000 and under" category has some choice listings, such as "Isla Gatun," a small island off the coast of Panama going for $30,000, and the somewhat larger but most likely less ideal Canadian McGibbon Island, which is going for $34,900. 

The old (and extremely cliched) idiom "You get what you pay for" applies here, however, because you can’t build on these ultra-bargain islands due to climate and terrain constraints. And unless you’re one of those (nonexistent) guys who just wants to buy an island to say he owns one, you’re going to want to be able to live on it.

But for the price of a one bedroom apartment in Manhattan (i.e. $400k or more), you can get a relatively hospitable island, like The Old Mill in Brazil. And if you don’t find that a shocking fact, then you’re probably a really rich prick. 

You still need a job

So you’ve plunked down your life savings (and whatever Citibank would give you) on your Brazilian island. You hop on a plane to Brazil and then take two busses and a motorboat to the newly christened Lebowski Island. You’re ready to throw away your cell phone, bury your address book and live off the land. Here’s the thing…

Most of these private islands don’t have any food. And many of them don’t have water. Sorry to dash your Robinson Crusoe fantasies, but if you spend your last dime on your island, you’re going to die some sort of starvation/thirst combo death. 

You’re either going to need some sort of boat and a drizzle of income to purchase supplies on dry land (if your island isn’t too secluded) or you’re going to need a pimped out FedEx account (if you’ve built your Unabomber cabin in the middle of the wilderness).

If you don’t have a lot of money already saved up, you’ll need some sort of income source that doesn’t require you to come into the office. Might we suggest copping a satellite phone and sign yourself up as a call-center operator? There are some pretty affordable monthly plans out there and the drudgery of doing telemarketing will be offset by the fact that you’ll be telemarketing… from your own private island!

Extras if you’ve got more to spend

If money is slightly less of an object for you than it is for other people, there are few amenities your private island could certainly use. Those include –

-A staff: One or more workers can help ease both the workload and the loneliness that comes with the territory of private island ownership

-Lots of tools: you’ll want to build things like shelter and non-fucntioning TVs and while there will most likely be a decent supply of lumber on your island, you’ll need some axes and saws and stuff to build said nun-function TVs and the like

-High Tech Gear: GPS, computer equipment, waterproof cameras and a generator to power it all

-A Supply of Gas: to power the generator. Even off the grid, you’re a slave to Big Oil. YOU CAN’T RUN!!!

-An ascot: because what’s a private island without an ascot?

Parting words

Dude, good luck. We want to see you succeed. Send us pictures and we’ll post ‘em. Write up about how awesome living on your island is and we’ll broadcast it to the world. 

But just so you know, we won’t be surprised if we hear they found your skeleton being picked apart by a gaggle of gorgeous tropical birds.