Everyone around the world is talking about Watchmen today, the film that challenges the mystique of masked vigilantes and their special, moralistic place in all of our hearts and minds. Except, they don’t talk about Mystique directly. She’s Marvel; that just wouldn’t be right, obviously.
We decided to get into the spirit as well (again, not the Spirit; that movie kinda sucked), and take a few moments to appreciate some of the most famous ladies that have portrayed vigilantes, super heroes, and any other monumental figures in our collective, comic book-fueled babe consciousness. Check out the first Super article if you want to stay consistent with the series.
Malin entered most of our lives in HBO’s Entourage as Tori, the jet-setting blonde bombshell who tried to convince uber-hot Sloane (played by the uber-duber-hot Emmanuelle Chriqui) to have a drunken threesome with leprechaun-like Eric. It’s said that you only have one chance to make a first impression, and Malin used hers to out-hot most girls in the canon of Entourage hotties. This was debatably a superpower, and she was thusly cast as The Silk Spectre in 2009’s Watchmen, a character hotter than the nuclear explosion she was trying to prevent.
Any male under thirty years old will agree that Jessica is the epitome of contemporary hotness. Her looks are so universally approved of that they might actually be superpowers. So, it came as no surprise when, in 2005, she acted in two Hollywood big-budget comic book movies. We all remember her hips writhing in seductive circles on stage as Sin City’s Nancy Callahan (one of the few parts of that movie without CGI, but easily the special-ist effect). Later that same year she broke out as Sue Storm in the first Fantastic Four movie, playing an invisible woman, which completely defeated the point of having Jessica in a movie — if we can’t see her, how can we longingly oggle her?
Kristy was the original heartbreaker — assuming stabbing the hearts of the undead with wooden stakes counts as "breaking" them. Kristy is, of course, best known as known as the original Buffy in the movie Buffy The Vampire Slayer, which predated Sarah Michelle Gellar’s power-pouts on the infamously popular TV show of the same name by five years. Perhaps more importantly, she was a Playboy covergirl in November 2002, though she was rarely seen in it because pages 89 and 90 were mysteriously stuck together. She also played Adam Sandler’s girlfriend in Big Daddy, and told Ben Stein (in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off) that her, "best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who’s going with the girl who saw Ferris pass out at thirty one flavors last night," adding that it must be, "serious." And just to re-emphasize this, she was in the November 2002 issue of Playboy.
Lucy is, of course, best known for portraying Xena in Xena: Warrior Princess, which could have just as easily been called Xena: Pop Culture Phenomenon, Xena: Feminist Icon, or Xena: She’ll Beat You Up And You’ll Savor Every Punch. In 1995, this bronzed amazon "Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi’d" her way into our hearts, giving fans fantasies they didn’t know they wanted: a Greek Wonder Woman in a studded leather skirt, roaming the bandit-filled countryside in a quest to redeem her bad-girl past. Lucy has since been featured on Curb Your Enthusiasm, Battlestar Galactica, and Burn Notice, and developed a cult following in the gay and lesbian communities. And how many gorgeous ladies have a war cry — not a Meg-Ryan-in-Courage-Under-Fire PTSD cry, but an actual trademark scream?
Jessica played the deliciously named Whistler’s Daughter in the latter half of the Blade movie series, which means the audience is supposed to believe a girl this attractive was created by Malcom McDowell (which is slightly less plausible than being 50% vampire, if you ask us). She’s otherwise best known for rebelliously flaunting her damn-near-perfect body after years of playing the very G-rated Mary Camden on USA’s 7th Heaven. Her well-crafted naughty girl image has led her to the top of the gliterratti list; she’s been romantically attached to Justin Timberlake and Derek Jeeter, and featured as the you-must-be-gay-if-you’re-not-making-a-move hottie in Adam Sandler’s I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry. She was also ranked the #1 hottest woman in the world by Stuff Magazine, narrowly beating out fire.
If you’ve ever loved a girl for her mind, you’ve loved Famke Janssen as the highly telepathic and stunningly gorgeous Jean Gray in the X-Men movie series. And if you’ve ever craved the smiliest way to off yourself, you’ve loved Famke Janssen as Goldeneye villianess Xenia Onatopp, known for killing witless men with her own thighs during the physical act of love. Famke also has quite the pedigree, having both modeled for Victoria Secret and been appointed United Nations Goodwill Ambassador for Integrity. That means she’s incredibly attractive, and really, really means it.
Angelina, the Oscar-winning actress and humanitarian extraordinaire, gave geeks everywhere a reason to wash their Dorritos-stained fingertips and leave their game rooms to go out to theaters and watch Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, arguably the most anticipated video game movie ever. It’s hard to find descriptions of Angelina with out words like, "fierce," or, "enigmatic," but at the end of the day, the only one we really care about is, "damn." As in, "How hot is Angelina Jolie?" "Damn."
by Max G.