Everybody needs a kick start to their day. But when you order a Venti Non-Fat Iced Green Tea Latte with One Pump of Sugar-Free Vanilla, you may feel like your masculinity is packing its things to go find someone else who will put it to better use.
Energy drinks, energy shots, and every kind of tea you can think of…it’s all lacking substance. It’s about time there be a manly way to get some energy. If only there was some smoked sweet and spicy dried meat that could give us real men a boost. That’s what the creators of Perky Jerky had in mind when they came up with the world’s first “all-natural performance enhancing meat snack.” Not sure which performances eating lots of jerky (caffeinated or not) will enhance but, hell, it’s about as manly as snacks get. Perky Jerky’s beef jerky is infused with Guarana, a natural energy booster with twice the caffeine of a coffee bean. So go ahead and drop this in your office’s suggestion box: lose the coffee break and add a jerky break. They’ll thank you later.
Gamers, you have a lot of gaming to do. You might as well break the key off in the lock of the door to your living room. Two games that are guaranteed to be some of this year’s biggest releases are out today: Brutal Legend and Uncharted 2: Among Thieves. Get comfy.
Brutal Legend, for both Playstation 3 and Xbox 360, is an action-adventure game like you’ve never seen. The game revolves around the character Eddie Rigs (voiced by Jack Black), a roadie who gets transported to another dimension, completely inspired by the album artwork of Heavy Metal bands. Eddie becomes a hero, leading humans against a plethora of terrifying overlords, using three weapons: a battle axe, his Flying V guitar capable of casting nasty spells, and his trusty Hot Rod. Uncharted 2: Among Thieves, a Playstation 3 exclusive, is already getting lumped with candidates for Game of the Year by critics. Sequel to Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune, the game is basically Tomb Raider without the hours wasted trying to get a great look at Lara Croft’s ass. The story revolves around another historical mystery: Marco Polo’s mysterious voyage from China takes center stage. Check it out on it’s official site, here.
Every week you joyfully watch him shovel food into his face on his Food Network show “Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives”. Now Guy Fieri provides you with more than just commentary on whatever ulcer-inducing dish he’s inhaling.
He’s designed two knives completely for the quintessential guy cook he calls Guy Fieri’s Knuckle-Sandwich Knives. The two knives (an 8” chef knife and a 5 ½” utility knife) are must-haves for any bad ass chef’s kitchen. Not a bad ass chef? Well, they might inspire you to cook something besides a microwaved plate of Tyson’s chicken nuggets. First, Guy did away with the plain old-fashioned black handles and threw some red and stars in there. The handles are ergonomically designed to fit your hand comfortably for serious slicing and dicing. Then, he added a tribal flame etched into the high-carbon stainless steel blade; turns out flames are douchey on a vehicle, but awesome on a knife. And as if these knives aren’t manly enough, on the end of the utility knife Guy added a meat tenderizer he dubbed “The Crusher”. Rachel Ray would faint at the site of these, and you can pre-order them now here.
You love bars. And what’s not to love? A bar has all of life‘s greatest things. Girls. Beer. Girls drunk on beer. Golden Tee. And those classy neon signs displaying every type of liquor that bar carries and whether they’re open or not.
Every self-respecting bar has one, and in a place of prominence. Who says these flashy pieces of decoration should be exclusive to bars? If you’re thinking one of these babies would totally tie your room together, you’re absolutely correct. And not only can you now own one for yourself, you can customize it to say anything you’d like. You have something to say that warrants being in cool neon blue on your wall, and with the Do It Yourself Neon Sign Kit, you can create your sign on the spot. Plug it in, and you’re done. With its low heat and low power consumption, the sign is ultra safe. So, good to know you won’t be burning down your place just so you can tell visitors you do in fact have “free beer.” The DIY Neon Sign Kit costs between $2.99 and $3.99, and can be found here.
There’s not many instances when a shelf gets to be anything other than a shelf. You put things on it and the shelf keeps them from being on the floor. And that’s pretty much it. End of story. This is boring.
Why settle for a plain old shelf? How about one that serves a few different purposes, while looking cool at the same time? The solution has come in the Digital Magnetic Shelf Clock, a shelf that has more uses than syllables in its name. The Digital Magnetic Shelf Clock attaches right to your wall. 12 centimeters high, 12 centimeters wide, and 90 centimeters long, the DMSC is small and frees up your room to give it an open feeling. And not only does it serve as place to put things on like CD’s, DVD’s, or books, it also clearly displays the time of day alongside a digital calendar, in case you somehow slept for months straight and weren’t aware how far into the year we were. The DMSC has you covered. And with a stainless steel front and wood sides, you’ll have the sweetest looking shelf in the neighborhood, guaranteed. The Digital Magnetic Shelf Clock is $158 and can be found here.
If the most exciting thing on your desk is a Post-it note reminding you to adjust your Fantasy Football team, you have a serious case of Lame-Desk. Millions are affected by Lame-Desk, but you don’t have to be.
Just imagine what kind of stuff Dr. Jones would have on his desk. A creepy gold fertility idol, an ark that melts peoples faces, the freakin’ Holy Grail… This beats the hell out of your Far Side calendar. And now all three of these can be yours – sized for your desktop and fully functional[sic]. The Fertility Idol that Indy used to barely escaped that huge ball of stone with is now conveniently a pen/pencil holder. And what are the odds somebody borrows a pen from that thing and DOESN’T return it to you? They wouldn’t dare risk it. Remember the Ark of the Covenant? Makes a great business card-holder. Last but not least, the Holy Grail acts as the coolest paperclip holder you will ever own. It’s not clear if this does, in fact, grant eternal life, but it’s definitely worth a shot. The Indiana Jones Desktop Accessories are priced from $34.99 to $39.99 and can be found here.
Are you worried you’re getting too much work done? It’s best not to chance it; stop what you‘re doing right away. Keep productivity to a minimum. Otherwise when you do slow down, people will see. It’s just not worth it.
So what to do in the mean time? Here’s something that should distract you for an unprecedented chunk of your day: Incredibox, the new human beatbox building website allows you to dive into your creative side and make your own unique beatbox. Just head to www.incredibox.fr/ (apparently the French are way ahead of us in beat boxing technology), and choose your language. Then go down the line of French-looking dudes, and drag the different elements into their shirts. Instruments, percussions, effects, chorus, voices; there are even three bonuses for some pretty sweet but out there breakdowns in the middle of your beatbox. The combinations are endless. Get a beat you like going and practice your freestyle. Next thing you know two whole days have gone by and you’re ready to really get a club going.
In the market for a pet, but a dog is just too much responsibility for the moment? How about a frog? Okay, if you’re reading this, you’re probably not an eleven year old boy. We understand. You’re past your prime frog-as-an-acceptable-pet years.
However, what if we told you your frog would be living and training with Jedi Master Yoda on Dagobah just as Luke Skywalker did in "Empire Strikes Back?" If you’re a dude and you had a childhood, suddenly this sounds awesome to you. Introducing the Dagobah Frog Habitat. Send in the order form, and get one of these babies complete with your own little JedI-in-training tadpole (we suggest naming him Tadawan). Young Tadawan’s aquarium looks exactly like Yoda’s home in the swamps of Dagobah, complete with fallen X-Wing in the water and a figure of Yoda himself. This beats the hell out of an old Miracle Whip jar with a leaf and an acorn in it. Watch your tadpole grow into a strong Jedi frog. You’ll know his training is complete when he’s running around his aquarium doing backflips with Yoda on his back while across the room his Frog Food is inexplicably floating towards the feeding hatch. The Dagobah Frog Habitat is $39.99 and you can find it here.
The people at ThinkGeek have done the research, and the results are not surprising. Life is just not as interesting as the movies. But what’s surprising is it isn’t due to bland story lines. It’s the lack of a soundtrack.
How cool would it be to have dramatic music play during your dramatic life moments, intense music for all those crazy action sequences you find yourself in (especially if Michael Bay is directing your life)? They took up the cause and have come up with an incredible solution: the Personal Soundtrack Shirt. The shirt has a working speaker in its center to play the right music at the right time. Sneaking out of work early on a Friday? Press the button on the pocketable remote that corresponds to some James Bond music, and suddenly you’re the lead in the movie of your life. Prepping to confront one of your mortal enemies? Western showdown music is provided. And you don’t have to go with ThinkGeek’s choices. Load up your own songs and sound effects (up to 20 at a time) and you’re good to go. The Personal Soundtrack Shirt is $29.99 and can be bought here.
There’s not a lot of things in the world more infuriating than walking in a parking lot and finding your car A) blocked in, B) so close to another car only T-1000 from Terminator 2 could slip in, or C) not there.
We can’t help with the last one. But the other two now have a solution that does not involve your keys and somebody paying for a new paint job. The answer to all idiotic park-jobs can be found in this book of parking tickets. Express your exact thoughts to the people while avoiding face-to-face confrontation. Assuming the person isn’t blind (judging by the way they left their car that is a distinct possibility) they will return to their vehicle to see your ticket. And you will have won the day. Such gems as “Did you park like this or was there an earthquake?”, “This parking job violates the law. Of physics,” and “Parking isn’t your thing. Stick to drive-thrus.” They’ll get the point, and without you karate kicking their bumper off. And maybe they’ll think twice about how they park in the future. This book of parking tickets is only $7 and can be purchased here.
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