Online gaming has become the most popular thing to do with a computer after watching porn and stealing your neighbor’s identity. The games come in all varieties — from sports-related to nerdy word games to gambling to mindless stuff with shapes and bright colors. However, you may not know that there are some rules, nay, commandments that you must obey when stepping into the online gaming water. Don’t have the Gaming Bible? No need to crap yourself. We’ve got the commandments right here.
10. Thou Shalt Not Get Busted
Many offices have taken Solitaire, Minesweeper, and Free Cell off of their computers because employees wasted so much time playing them. Well, luckily the internet has thousands of options for gettin’ your game on at work — along with your favorite office time wasters. Just don’t get busted and ruin it for everyone. Side note: if you like to waste away while playing at home, don’t get busted by your wife, either.
9. Thou Shalt Back Up Your Smack Talk
In a multiple player forum situation, you will want to talk a game against LilGamerFromIowa23 who is just asking for a verbal spanking. When this situation presents itself, you have to remember one thing: even though you will likely never see LilGamerFromIowa23 in person, you don’t want to e-embarrass yourself when you get your ass beat. You talk the smack, be ready to lay on some smack.
8. Thou Shalt Not Skip Stuff
It’s time to pick the kid’s up from school but you are knee-deep in some Bejeweled. Well, break the trance. You’ve turned into the cyber version of a coke addict that loses his job, family, and subscription to Reader’s Digest. We know the games are addictive because the makers put…whatever would be a technology equivalent of nicotine in the games. But you, Friend, have a higher power, and can do this in moderation.
7. Thou Shalt Put Yourself on a Leash
The casino sites and other gaming options that allow you to drop a cool $5 per wager draw you in with all their glitz, glammer, and Burger King banner ads. Before you know it, you’ve already spent next week’s paycheck (from Burger King) and they’ve got you thinking your lucky streak is about to begin. Alas, it’s not. Set a bailout level so you don’t end up being the cautionary gaming tale of the guy that started turning tricks for wager money. It could happen.
6. Thou Shalt Not Be a Dork
We know you probably are a more-than-slightly dorky dude and the fact that you insist on spending so much time gamin’ online only strengthens our theory. However, try not to dork out around others, and bring up your closeted gaming life. Not everyone knows what a rush it is to post up 31,000 points in Word Wiz so don’t try to explain to them how you unscrambled 12 eight letter words in under 90 seconds. You’re also not level 12 in the 11th grade. That’s not how it works, IRL. Just. Don’t. Or, suffer the wrath of Mr. T.
5. Thou Shalt Not Commit Game Adultery
Games have feelings, too. At least in our weird, demented world. If you have been loyal to online poker for years, but recently have acted on that burning desire to switch to blackjack, end it with poker. Don’t try to bounce between your two loves because that is a no-win situation. And after you have made the public switch to blackjack but start wondering if you made a mistake, do not go back to poker. Because once you go black…never mind.
4. Thou Shalt Not Develop Bed Sores
We know you will be on your ass for hours on end every day battling foes and becoming a Tetris Jedi, but just do us a favor and get up ever so often. Hell, just play a round or two doing something revolutionary. Like standing up. Your legs and ass will thank you. And we thank you in advance. Because bed sores are disgusting to even hear about.
3. Thou Shalt Buy the Bladder Buddy
We said you need to move around to avoid bed sores, but we never said you had to take time out to go to the john. Luckily, the Bladder Buddy is a genius invention that saves you from having to piss in your empty Mountain Dew can or on your floor. While we’ve never actually used one, we hear great things from rabid sports fans and truckers. And we also think it’d be cool to pee in public without being arrest. Twice.
2. Thou Shalt Wear a Large Headset
Yes, it has been commanded for when you are playing against others. You can’t quite play properly unless your headset is the size of a football coach’s, circa 1981. This headset will particularly come in handy when going mano-y-mano in an EA Sports designed game. And while the headset may not be needed when playing Scrabble against the computer, it does make it more fun. Try it. More fun, huh?
1. Thou Shalt Not Try and Recruit Idiots
There are some people you don’t try to explain things to. Like your parents and technology retarded girlfriend. They just don’t — and will never — get it. It has been said that you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. That has absolutely nothing to do with this commandment, but you get the picture. Those around you that can barely turn on a computer may ask what you spend so much time playing, but don’t try explaining it. Just say it’s some NASA project you were hired to work on.