That video of the couple having sex while skydiving spread around the Internet like an STD at a frat house. Big deal. So they probably experienced an adrenaline high and got off on their little act of exhibitionism, but it wasn’t dangerous sex. They had parachutes, after all. We’ll be impressed when two people jump from a plane to their death and have one last lay on the way down. All this talk of death and sex got us thinking, though—what are some truly dangerous places to have sex? The answers might surprise you, especially because the most dangerous place you can have sex is…
That’s right. Little did you know that dangerous sex happens right at home. Research shows most sex-related injuries take place on the sofa, a.k.a. the place you probably lost your virginity. We might not be necessarily talking about life-threatening injuries, but the quickest way to some serious couch burn is taking your lovely lady love to the sofa for a quick in-out.
A Moving Car
Your road head fantasy is pretty dangerous, dude. Haven’t you read The World According to Garp? To summarize, Garp rushes home to catch his wife cheating and finds she’s giving dome to a student in the driveway when he crashes into her car from behind. Guess what happens to that guy’s wang? Yikes. With 6.5 million car accidents every year, this is hardly an academic consideration. A little fender bender could put Mr. Happy out of commission permanently.
Sex on the beach is so popular some jerk named a girly drink after it. Actual sex on the beach might not fuel your adrenaline addiction, but it will feed your need for dangerous sex. Find a lady into exhibitionism, head down to the shore, start knocking boots… and get infected with whatever disgusting bacteria lives in the water. Even worse, she’ll blame you, tell her friends and you won’t get laid again for years.
Every city of any size has an adult arcade. This is a porn store with booths in the back. Sex in them isn’t just allowed, it’s encouraged as long as you keep feeding the meter. Still, you aren’t the first person to have sex there this hour. That stuff on the floor isn’t mud, dude. It’s weeks of congealed, scary sex slime.
Two words: Bear attack. Also, according to some sources, bears are known to rape men. The source here is The Onion, but since bears have barbed penises (on the real—Google it), we’re not taking any chances screwing where they shit.
Your Lady’s Parents’ House
It doesn’t really matter how old she is. She’s still the girl her father bandaged up after falling off her bike when she was six. No matter how accustomed to you and his daughter having sex her father is in the abstract, it’s a whole other ball game when he rolls up into his den and sees you raw-dogging her on his desk.
The Supply Closet at Work
Oddly enough, this is the tenth most common place for sexual injuries. You might pull down a rack of Post-Its onto yourself. You might bang your head against a shelf and get a concussion. You might get discovered by your boss who sends you packing. In any case, the supply closet isn’t the wisest place to go looking for a lunchtime quickie.
We know you sometimes get lonely when your girl is out of town. Sometimes, hopping on Skype and having a wank together is the closest you can get. If she records it, however, remember that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. You’re not Colin Farrell or Ray J or whatever. When your sex tape hits the web, you won’t be able to laugh it off and move on to your next movie deal.
Construction Projects in Progress
We know women love the rugged, blue-collar thing. You don’t need to take her to the job site for sex to impress her in this regard. Just slap on the tool belt and carry her into the bedroom. If she really needs a taste of the working-class life, bring her out to your shed and lay her down on a piece of dirty sheet metal. That way she gets off and you don’t both fall 20 stories to your death.
Number one: You’re in a big pit of foam with promiscuous college students. Number two: Remember what we said about the beach? Number three: There’s no Gardasil for men. Add all this up and you’ve got a big fat “DON’T DO IT, BRO.”