In 2010, 175 million people watched at least one NFL game that season. With numbers that staggering, it’s inevitable that the NFL would attract a few jerks and morons. What is normally a mild annoyance at any game can turn unbearable if you just dropped two grand for tickets to see the Giants and Patriots face off at the Super Bowl. Now, we wouldn’t want that. So, here they are: the seven worst kinds of football fans you will see on game day. Identify these fools and get your mental o-line ready to block them out.
The drunk guy. Sure, who doesn’t like to crack a few brews at the game? But this guy goes entirely too far. He’s sucking down beer like water by halftime. This wouldn’t be so much of a problem if he could contain his drunken state. But no, with every beer this jerk gets louder, more belligerent. After a while he becomes a downright nuisance. By the end of the game he’s either passed out, punched out, or thrown out.
The fat topless guy. He’s the football train wreck you just can’t take your eyes off of. He looks more like a stuck pig than a man. You’ll watch in amazement as his back fat begins to undulate like waves in the ocean. He’s destined to jump up out of his seat blocking your view of crucial moments of the game with his hairy man boobs and keg like belly. All he had to do was keep his damn shirt on.
The Hype Man. This is the guy that’s cheering for the squad before the coin is even tossed. Every bad play is the worst play in history. Every good play is like winning millions in the lotto. Hell, this guy even cheers at the crappy half time antics. He wouldn’t be a problem if he wasn’t sitting right next to you, threatening to pop your eardrums as his decibel level rises higher and higher.
The would-be owner. This pain in the ass would swear he knows the playbook better than the coach. He’s the guy that hates the entire team, and complains about trades, off season moves, and anything that doesn’t have to do with the game you’re trying to watch right now. He acts as if you could put him in the owners box and he’s produce ten championships in ten years. He’s the type of buffoon that needs a beer and a hotdog to shut him up.
The sh*t talker. You’ve all seen this clown at the games. He’s the opposing teams cheerleader. This is the guy that purposely buys tickets for the opposing teams side just so he can find someone to haggle during the games. He’ll throw names at you. He’ll throw stats at you. He’ll even rock his teams jersey proudly to try to get a rise out of everyone. And at the end of the day, when his team gets crushed, he’ll continue with the diarrhea of the mouth until he leaves the park.
The scalper. He won’t actually make it into the game. This guy, along with his buddies, spends his time trying to sell scalped tickets outside of the park for a profit. If he’s really a scumbag, he may try to push fake tickets to out-of-towners that don’t know any better. Vultures are everywhere. Yes, even football games.
The hot chick on the Teletron. She’s one of the worst football fans for one reason and one reason only. She takes your concentration away from the game. During those times when you need to be focusing all your energy on willing your quarterback to throw a seventeen yard completion you find yourself scanning the seats to catch a glimpse of the banging blonde with the big boobs. She’s a distraction. But under the circumstances, she should be allowed to stay.