In these hard-fought recession days, every penny counts and there is no shortage of money-saving tips and lessons. Unfortunately, many of them are terrible. But have no fear, we’ve scoured the internet and dissected some of the absolute worst.

1. Stop Buying Alcohol– Well, how do they suggest we get it then? Steal it from somewhere? Now that’s just advocating theft. If meeting up with a few friends for drinks after work is the only thing that gets me through the workday, then maybe I have a drinking problem. But if I don’t, then it’s totally fine. Some better ideas that will keep your sanity are to have updated lists of all the local Happy Hour specials. That way you’re not the chump buying $7 Bud Lights on $2-Miller-Night.

2. Attend Free Events You Find In Your Local Newspaper– First off, a newspaper? What are we, stockbrokers from the 1930s? Get digital, baby. Second thing, those free events in the park are always a horrible idea. Most of the time they’re nothing more than crappy local theater groups and pukey kid choirs. But if ‘park cleanup event’ or ‘charity fundraisers’ are on there, stop and think. Are you trying to save money or are you looking for a second job with a guilt trip?

3. Don’t Pay For The Internet At Home, It’s Free At The Library– The people who suggest this one are either psychopaths or shut-ins. Don’t they know the only people using the computer at the library are perverted homeless men looking for some ‘motivation’ before ‘using the facilities’? I wouldn’t let my kid use the library’s computer if his life depended on it.

4. Go For A Walk– I almost don’t want to dignify this one with a response, but many people are proponents of going out for some fresh air rather than letting some expensive indoor hobby or gadget occupy their time. So to those people I ask, what’s the point of going for a walk? You’ll just end up back at your house later, and a bunch of people will probably see you on the sidewalk while they drive by and wonder if maybe you went insane or had your car stolen. If I’m going outside for a stroll it’s going to be while wearing a pair of expensive anti-gravity boots.

5. Sign Up For Every Customer Rewards Card– Here’s where those bright young cashiers try to pawn off theirs scams on you at the checkout. These cards can save you a couple of bucks at the register, but signing up for each one will guarantee you an inbox full of spam. And who knows where Best Buy will sell your personal information for the right price. Is sorting through every ‘Barnes and Noble’ Weekly Newsletter worth saving the $2 next time you buy something?

6. Buy Cheap Generic Medications– So instead of getting Tylenol, you’d rather just buy Tyleñol, which is made on a Mexican dirt farm with whatever similar ingredients they cooked up out back? The best way to get healthy is to go with a name-brand you trust. If you start dabbling with Ukrainian herpes medication, you only have your cheap self to blame for that third testicle.

7. Plan Your Meals Around Your Grocery Store’s Flyer– You should only go this route if you have an acquired taste for week-old-sushi and out-of-season fruit. I’m also sure the grocery store ‘coincidentally’ planned that 50% discount on ground beef for a few days after the E. coli outbreak hit the headlines.

There are plenty of other ways to save money. Stop driving an SUV around the neighborhood and buying Starbucks coffee each morning strike me as good starts. But trust me, you can do way better than some of these other ones.

Heard any other horrible money-saving tips recently? Let us know in the comments section.