You slept in. You’ve got negative 5 minutes to get ready, but if you show at your lunch meeting stinking like last night’s bedroom adventure. You’ve got to shower, and you’ve got to shower at the speed of not-getting-fired (read as: c). If you’ve got zero seconds to spare, here are the few things you can do to put the petal to the metal bathroom mat.

Detailer

For some reason, the age of bar soap seems to be coming to a close. The editorial staff is split on this, but if you do use shower gel, the most efficient, manly way for you to apply it is the Axe Detailer. Using your hand is, admittedly, more manly. But, it’s much, much slower. And efficiency is to be prized when persuing the art of the 1-minute shower. [Buy it]

Shower clock/CD player

Think of this more like a shower stop clock. There are several models of shower/clock radio/shaving mirrors available out there. If you choose to shave in the shower, you’ll cut more time off your overall bathroom experience, but the 1-minute shower is implausible without a great deal of bloody mess. [Buy it]

Remove the flow restrictor

Because of a law designed to conserve resources, most states mandate that new shower heads be fitted with a flow restrictor. With the restrictor in place, the maximum pressure allowed is 2.5 gallons per minute. Ridiculous. How is one supposed to blast the suds off ones body and into the hallway with such a paltry flow? To remove the flow restrictor,

To remove it, take the shower head off the water pipe using a wrench. It will be on there pretty tight, so you might have to use a pipe wrench if a crescent doesn’t do it. Next, remove the gasket (a small black rubber donut). You should be able to see the flow restrictor now – a small plastic piece at the inlet of the shower head. It’ll be either pink, white, or green, and you can usually pop it out using a slotted screwdriver. If everything goes right, you’ll feel like a marginalized minority at a protest in the 60s.  But, in a good way.

Multiple heads

With all that extra water pressure, you’ve got some options. You can have the laser method of a single, powerful shower head that blasts away what’s in it’s path instantly, but with a small radius. But we suggest the shotgun method of installing multiple shower heads. There are two ways to go about this. The first is to tear holes in your wall and actually install several other shower heads circling your shower (make sure to remove their restrictors). The other is to buy a single shower head with multiple spigots. This is the (much) easier way, and a three-headed device like this one allows you to move the handheld to a mount on the far end of a shower, allowing multi-axis flow. [Buy them]

Start running

Start the shower running so the hot water can get cranking. You can use this time to put in your contacts, get your clothes off, or anything else you can’t do while scalding water is pouring all over you. If your shower takes forever to get cranking, you can even go choose clothes you’re going to wear, cram a granola bar down your throat, or get the coffee percolatin’. This is also a good time to put on some Nashville Pussy or equivalently high octane rock to fuel you through your funnycar-fast shower.

The moves

Really, this is intuitive. Do what you do in a normal, leisurely, 45-minute hung over shower, but take out all the sitting on the floor and scrubbing at 1/8 speed. Start at the top and work down so that you don’t have to rinse your belly button out once when you wash your belly button and again when it gets shampoo in it. As discussed in the equipment section, if you’ve got short, manageable hair, you should be able to use an all-in-one shower gel to clean everything from noggin to knees.

Protip: Make sure you rinse the pits and your undercarriage, because you don’t want to be drying off to find sud remnants. This timesuck can nearly double the length of a quick shower because you’ve got to let the water get hot again.