There are few things in life more pleasurable than the quickie. Besides being efficient, this holy grail of sexual satisfaction combines adventure, danger, and quick-thinking, not to mention the fact that it’s an excellent way to pass the time between meetings, dinner courses or time zones. Luckily, all you need to master the art – and science – of the quickie is that all-star multitasking ability you hyped so much on your resume… and a few simple guidelines.

Do: Get her excited before you see her

Texts, emails, suggestive phone calls and casual innuendo make up the foundation upon which quickie success is built. Getting things done in five minutes or less doesn’t leave time for foreplay, but as we’ve learned, women are conditioned to expect some sort of preview for the main event. Neither of you know when or how the action will go down, so you can cover your bases and get her in a constant state of wanting you by taking every possible opportunity to keep her mind on sex. With you. At any moment.

Don’t: Schedule your session

The very essence of the quickie is spontaneity, so it’s not going to work if it’s an item on your daily to-do list. Planning ahead will kill it. Like a special ops ninja, you must be ready for everything at all times but have no set expectations.

Do: Think outside the bed

It’s almost sacrilegious to conduct your quickie in a place that you’d normally have sex, so focus on areas other than beds, couches and kitchen countertops. Desks, while cliché, provide ample playing space, but if you’re more creative (and flexible), then you can make any alcove or storage closet the ideal location for an impromptu encounter. When you enter a room, restaurant, alley, or vehicle, mentally map out all possible sex spots so you don’t waste valuable time nervously giggling and searching for a secluded area. That is not smooth.

Don’t: Forget about fixture placement

If you choose a location that involves protruding objects (ie, bathroom, broom closet, museum gallery), then it’s in your best interest to watch out for fixtures, appliances and sculptures holding spears. No matter how sexually adventurous you are, you’re probably not going to want to delve into the complicated world of foreign objects while trying to successfully get yourself and your partner off in record time.

Do: Take ownership of the situation

The point of the quickie is instant, hot gratification, so this is no time to slow things down by thinking about what you or your partner are doing. Just submit to your pure animal instinct and the rest will fall into place. If you’re already getting it on with a time limit, then she’s not going to care who finishes first (in fact, she’s not really going to know if she finishes or not, because it’s all so fast and confusing and oh-my-god-what-if-my-aunt-walks-in-on-us-at-the-family-Christmas-party that it’s just going to feel good no matter what), so this is a prime opportunity to act like a caveman and have your way with her without fear of failure.

Don’t: Forget the under five/over two rule

Simply stated, shoot to keep things under five minutes (=economical use of your time) and over two minutes (=proof that you’re not trying to hide your lack of stamina). Know what you need to do to keep it going for a respectable amount of time, because in this case, ‘instant’ gratification should last slightly longer than its name implies.

Do: Act before you think

Quick thinking equals quick sex, so if opportunity presents itself, jump on her. Most girls secretly want to do illicit things with you in public places from time to time, so unless she’s saving herself for marriage or filed a restraining order against you, take the quickie where you can get it. It’s like eastern philosophy: you don’t necessarily find the quickie. The quickie actually finds you.

Don’t: Take yourself too seriously

Part of the fun of insane, illicit sex is acting out your fantasies without obsessing over what you’re doing or how you’re doing it. Getting into a role just makes everything more exciting, so don’t be afraid to take some creative liberties and convince yourself that you’re off to save the world from total annihilation… after you make an important, half-naked pit stop.