In the midst of the Cold War, shortly after the Cuban Missile Crisis, President John F. Kennedy decided he needed the ability to launch nuclear weapons from any location. The solution was a thin metal briefcase known as “the football,” containing everything the president needed to authorize a nuclear attack. Now you can have your own version of the football, designed to launch the perfect party whenever you want.

Boasting an impressive arsenal of party supplies—including everything from Grey Goose to Red Bull shots to Advil—The Football ($499.99) is a good time waiting to happen. As maker Urban Mercenaries says, it has everything you want, and everything you didn’t know you’d need.

Sure, you can probably buy all the individual components yourself, but they won’t come packaged in a sleek metal case, and the experience just won’t be the same. Can’t you picture yourself walking into some penthouse suite, slamming The Football down on a table, busting it open and uttering a badass catch line before setting off the greatest party in recent party history? Come on now. Picture again.