You would never hit a woman, but your girlfriend and her mom read 50 Shades of Grey and even saw the crappy movie. You’re not quite sure how to approach the subject, and you don’t want to ask her mom…

But she’s asked you to talk dirty and you’re used to making love mirrored after The Notebook… there’s no dirty talk in those sex scenes.

Fortunately for you, we have an expert to tell you how to talk, spank and more.

“Watching porn to become a better lover is like watching The Fast and the Furious to learn how to drive.”

The first time I met sex lecturer Reid Mihalko he gave the woman next to me an orgasm by massaging her ear canals. He is about to bring his popular “Rough Sex for Nice Folks” to NY on Sept 24 for free. When I asked around among females I got a universal response: this is something every guy should be taught and very few guys can do well.

“In this day and age of 50 Shades, kinky porn, more and more men are running into the situation where women are asking them could you rough me up? Spank me, choke me, and they don’t have a clue how,” Reid says. “A lot of well meaning guys who were taught not to hurt people find a disconnect. I love you but you want me to spank you? Choke you? Maybe they’re waiting for a man to come along who will really, really fuck them hard. But they don’t know how because they’ve only seen those things in porn.”

He laughs, “Watching porn to become a better lover is like watching The Fast and the Furious to learn how to drive.”

Rough Sex has two component halves:

  1. Sensual: This is what turns her body on. Extended foreplay. Specifically by getting active movement in her pelvic floor.
  2. Erotic: This is what turns her brain on.

Let’s break this down in a couple scenarios using our favorite couple, David and Helen:

Hair Pulling
Easy approach. David and Helen think of doggy-style as kinky in bed. Tonight they’re doing missionary classic when David traces his hand up her neck and spine and runs his fingers through her hair. Then he squeezes his hand into a fist, pinning the back of her head to the mattress. Sensual: David’s fingers in her hair also gives her something to squirm against, the thrill shooting down the vagus nerve of her spine. It gives her hips and pelvic floor something to struggle with. Erotic: In the dark she can’t read the intentions on David’s face. If that turns her on they should try a blindfold.

Wrestling
I didn’t see this coming, but this is actually quite a lot of fun. Reid recommends you make it a game. One partner is facedown on the bed or carpet and the other is lying on top of them. Then the one on the bottom tries to struggle free. Sensual: the force of moving while being pinned down can be a turn on for the whole body. It also gives him or her something to struggle against. Erotic: the mind races, thinking, “What’s he/she going to do to me if he gets the upper hand?”

Spanking
Falling under the category of “impact play” this works in states of arousal where pain can register as pleasure. Erotic: “The BDSM and kink community have as many words to describe this as eskimos do for snow.” There’s “thuddy,” (Reid says, “Think about getting hit with a Nerf bat”) and “stingy” (the wooden spoon, a ruler, a paddle, a smack). Sensually it registers a sensation elsewhere in your body. Spanking 101: “The sweet spot is where the thigh meets the butt and it curves up.” Reid adds, “Never spank someone above the belt line or on the spine directly.”

Choking
David needs to know that choking is closer to hair pulling than spanking. Erotic: Whether it’s a chokehold while fingering her from behind, or just holding her down in missionary, choking gives your partner something to struggle against. Sensual: “It helps create torque and leverage. And that can heighten pleasure for people.”

Dirty Talk
“When your partner says they want you to talk dirty, most people don’t mean a string of swear words.” (Rarely do you meet a girl who fantasizes about going down on a guy with Tourette’s.) For it to be erotic is a scenario, “You tell her, ‘Me and my band of pirates are going to kidnap you and tie you to the mast and have everyone have a turn.’” The sensual part is, of course, that you’re naked and touching each other while you talk like you never would in public.

The fun and surprising part of getting rough: it favors couples who have been together and share a comfortable space together. Conventional wisdom says the Netflix and Sweatpants Set has given up on the bedroom. But they are so far and ahead of the swinging singles trying to talk dirty with some stranger on Tinder and also keep it down because their roommates are home.

It works great if you already have a relationship in which you can tell them what you want and allow them to tell you what they want. “If that’s not organic, you create a power play. Make it a game where they have to ask–kiss me, touch me here, kiss my neck, pull my hair—or else you’ll stop.”

For tour dates, classes and other fun stuff, check out Reid’s website. Protip: Mark down his dates on your calendar rather than RSVP on Facebook. You don’t want to explain to yourself and to all the girls you know, as I did last fall when Facebook decided to tell the universe and my girlfriend’s mom that “Brendan Sullivan went to Reid Mihalko’s Workshop: ‘Negotiating Successful Threesomes.’”

Join thousands of men and women who are dressing up for a good cause. Go formal with Made Man and Career Gear on Friday, October 9th to help empower men in need with resources, training and suits they can use to rejoin the workforce. Because for every photo posted to Instagram or Twitter and tagged #FormalFriday, we’ll donate a dollar to Career Gear. Learn more at mademan.com/formal-friday.