Greetings, good sirs! As thou may have noticed, a lot of men’s magazines and websites doth carve in stone pithy little rules that we supposedly can’t live without. And while these decrees may be clever, they rarely offer useful advice for how we can rule God’s green Earth. And more importantly, avoid being douchebags.

But fear not, for we bring you glad tidings. Behold these comMANdments, which be as irreverent as they be indispensable. Click here to read, learn, and share thine own wise gleanings (in the comments section).

Illustration by Miguel Jiron