We’re not experts on women or hanging out in bars, but the two things we do most in life are study women and hang out in bars. Sleeping and eating are probably tied for third. We also talked to a couple of bartenders that hear a lot of chatter from the gals in their workplace. And we all know how girls love to chatter. Bottom line: there is a secret language going on with the chicks in bars. It’s taken us a while to decipher a little bit of their double-talk, but we have been able to crack some of their tricky wordplay. Thank God for that decoder ring we ordered.

Actual Saying: “I Don’t Need Another Drink.”

What She’s Really Saying: “Buy Me a Drink.”

Chicks are deceptive, we all know this. Most of them will even admit it. When you are talking to one of the Decepticons in a bar and she is insisting she doesn’t want another drink, she actually does want another drink. And she wants you to buy it for her. It’s all a test. If you don’t buy the drink, she’ll be hurt, pissed, and think you are a pansy for respecting her wishes. If you go against her request and buy her a drink, especially a strong one, she’ll see you as a Clint Eastwood type who could give a damn — but still knows how to show a lady a good time. And the ladies like that kind of stuff.

Actual Saying: “I Might Move in With My Boyfriend Next Month.”

What She’s Really Saying: “Moving in With My Boyfriend is a Big Step, So I’m Primed For One Last Drunken Fling.”

Ah, the mention of the boyfriend.  They know that mentioning a boyfriend to us won’t make us run in the other direction. After all, they are in a bar where many, many mistakes are prone to happen, plus they have much wiser ways to get rid of us. Mentioning a boyfriend (or even a husband) while she is there without said fellow is an invitation to be her big mistake. The saying will likely be followed with some brief information about the guy, which will ultimately lead to her complaints about him — and her doubts. You are now the willing confidant that will fall under the spell of alcohol with her — and sloppily make out with her in your ‘94 Jetta.

Actual Saying: “Do You Think This Outfit Looks Slutty?”

What She’s Really Saying: “I Want You to Stare at My Boobs.”

Asking a guy if they think the outfit looks ‘slutty’ has never received a serious answer in the history of mankind — and girls know this. She is asking you this in order to get a pre-approved full-body scan of her with your eyes. And you will indulge her desires if you know what’s good for you. They actually want you to ogle them despite their many complaints when men do just this thing. Yeah. It’s annoying, but it’s true and a game they live to play. And they play it oh so well.

Actual Saying: “Give Me Your Number and I’ll Call When I Get My New Cell Phone.”

What She’s Really Saying: “Please Stay Away From Me.”

There’s no new cell phone. If she is not dumping the phone number, you know you are done. Seriously done. We all know the ‘don’t call me, I’ll call you’ routine can be spat out many different ways, but you are an idiot if you think she will ever call you after she gets your digits. If you get this phrase from her, don’t even bother giving her your number because it’s a lost cause. Move on to the next semi-drunken gal at the bar. The one who is holding her cell phone and giving out her number to every man in the bar.

Actual Saying: “I’m Not a Whore.”

What She’s Really Saying: “I’m a Whore.”

We’re not sure why “I’m not a whore” ever even comes up in conversation — aside from you guys who have a severe case of the unwanted handsies — but it obviously is a glimpse inside the gal who says it. She’s throwing this at you because she has done some borderline whorish things in the past, or to make her feel better when she becomes a whore and goes home with some random guy at the bar (possibly you). For the Catholic girls, it’s an advance confession of sorts. For all other religions…well, whatever helps them sleep at night. Either way, you could be a big winner when you hear her say this. Play your cards right, Friend.

Actual Saying: “I’m a Dancer.”

What She’s Really Saying: “I Wish I Were a Dancer.”

She wants you to make a reference to how good of shape she thinks she is in — or wishes she were in. And to imply flexibility. Or there might be a dance floor with her in your very near future. The truth? The chances of running into a dancer is about as likely as receiving a call from Megan Fox begging you to allow her to administer a tongue bath. Sure, we’ve received that call, but it went to voice mail and she didn’t leave a return number. We admit that we love dancers and they are in fantastic shape. But they are the unicorns of the human race. We’re not sure they really even exist.

Actual Saying: “I Hurt My Back Doing Pilates.”

What She’s Really Saying: “I Tried Working Out Once, But Throwing Up After Eating Is So Much Easier.”

Working out is hard work and we won’t besmirch anyone who skips a workout or two. But chicks love to make excuses as to why they don’t work out. Hurting themselves is probably the most popular excuse, followed by some sort of weird fake allergy to sweat. Because of this, unfortunately, some of them develop eating disorders to stay not so fat — which will only become a concern to you if you are looking for a lasting relationship with her, right?

Actual Saying: “28.”

What She’s Really Saying: “I’m in My 30’s.”

This will be in response to age talk — especially if you are a moron and ask her how old she is. We lie about our age, too, but women shave about 5-8 years off their age. Notice how much makeup she is wearing and if she knows anything about current events (note: know something about current events yourself first so you can keep up). If the makeup is heavy and she knows who the president is, she is probably trimming her age by at least eight years. She’ll be hiding the wrinkles or trying to recapture her twenties. But what girl in her twenties knows who the president is? Okay, maybe three out of ten, but what are the odds you’ll run into one of those three?

Actual Saying: “Sorry, I Have to Go Answer This.”

What She’s Really Saying: “Sorry, This is My Best Chance to Get Away From You.”

Of course, their phone has fake rang/vibrated. She’s wanting an excuse to excuse herself from you and your wittiness. Don’t try and find her after she goes to answer the fake call because she is ‘in the wind’, as they say. This happens to the best of us, so pick up your game and move on to the next chick at the bar. We blame the invention of cell phones for this sort of rejection. Back in the good old days (1980’s), women had to really work at coming up with an excuse to get away from us. Those were the days to hold on to…

Actual Saying: “You’re Really Funny!”

What She’s Really Saying: “I’m Clearly Very Horny and Could Care Less Who Comes Home With Me!”

Okay, you might be able to drop a zinger or two with your boys, but if you are killing it with your one-liners on a chick at the bar all night long, good for you. But chances are you aren’t a modern day Red Buttons. It’s all good for you, though, because she is definitely sending out the signal — the signal of boot knockin’. Take her saying how funny you are as a cue for you to keep your game sharp before Carrot Top strolls in and steals your prized lady with his hi-larious prop comedy.