Gather up all of your most expensive toys: your Aston Martins, grappling-hook-equipped Rolexes, gyro copters, and stainless steel pens with hidden time bombs. Chickipedia will spring for the top-shelf Stoli and start mixing up the martinis (shaken, of course).
Bring your passport and tally up all of the exotic locales you’ve traversed, all the lasers and steel-jawed henchmen you’ve evaded, all the ridiculously implausible super villain plots you’ve foiled.
Add it all up, and unfortunately, you haven’t even come close to the level of intrigue occupied by James Bond, Her Majesty’s most illustrious secret agent or even the shaved, goateed melon of the no-rules spy John Travolta. What keeps you from acheiving true Bond-hood? Only the greatest experience plenty of action (in more ways than one) with some of the most beautiful women in the world. Plus, you probably can’t pun worth a damn.
Catherine Zeta-Jones will be forever-burned into our collective memories from her excellent work behind enemy lines in the thriller “Entrapment” opposite one of the greatest actors-playing-a-spy ever, Sean Connery. She plays Virginia “Gin” Baker, who starts out as an FBI agent who is pretending to be an art thief who ends up being an art thief anyway after falling prey to the charms of both Connery and criminal life. All of this, though, is overshadowed by the below video.
As Valenka, the sensual wife of a throwaway bad guy, Ms. Murino made a perfectly alluring Bond girl in Casino Royale. She meets Bond in the typical fashion: they make eyes across a lavish poker room after her husband shakes off an embrace, leaving Bond in a good position to swoop her up. She’s exotic, painfully sexy, and Bond turns down the promise of champagne and rugburns in order to finish his mission. That sort of restraint borders on stupidity; but, that’s what makes him Bond. You’d probably let the world burn for one night with Caterina, and rightfully so.
Tia Carrere is the pan-Asian philanderer from “True Lies” who dances with then tries to murder Harry Tasker (a.k.a. The Governator) without success. While she is busy not succeeding in killing him, though, she manages to look good enough for me to commit crimes against my own country for. Without a doubt. She’s also got smarts to match since the front for her evilness is as an antiques importer exporter specializing in Persian pieces. Also, she’s in Crucial Taunt and they totally wail.
She’s the OBG (Original Bond Girl) that set the standard for sexy, dripping-wet strolls out of the water and onto the beach. Ursula played Honey Ryder in Dr. No, which is not technically the first film based on the Bond character, though the beauty of Ms. Andress usually pushes the original Casino Royale right back into the history books. As she strolls out with a conch in her hand, she asks Bond (played by the inimitable Sean Connery) if he is looking for shells too. “No, just looking,” he responds. Try using that one next time you’re on the beach with a deadly, perfect 10 model..if it ever happens to you in your lifetime.
Alright, so Denise played Christmas Jones, one of the more ludicrously named heroines in The World is Not Enough. Sure, her name is silly, and the film is one of the more maligned installments during the disappointing Brosnan era. Despite all of these limitations, and the film’s inability to come close to matching the popularity of Goldeneye, Ms. Richards remains undeniably sexy as a respected astrophysicist who helps save the world. Well, the booty shorts and tank top help. And, she can’t be faulted for the lame bad guys; a bullet in his brain makes him invincible? Come on.
Let’s forget about the failings of Brosnan’s tenure to look back on his one masterpiece: Goldeneye. It gave us so many reasons to love Bond: it tapped back into the Cold War, which will always be a gold mine (pun intended) for bad guys, spawned one of the greatest first-person shooters in the history of video games, and gave us Xenia Onatopp, a sex-obsessed Russian assassin. Famke played the role with a dominatrix’s glee, squeezing men to a pleasurable death with her amazing thighs. She is so hot, you may have been embarrassingly attraced to her 64-bit character in the video game. It’s ok, you can admit it now.
This buxom Brit starred opposite the most famous and most hirsute international man of mystery, Austin Powers, in the first movie of the franchise of the same name. She played Vanessa Kensington, and she used her wit and grit to help the bumbling Powers through many a misfire. Just imagine the sort of handling she could manage with your undercarriage. Go ahead. Imagine it. Amazing, right? We’re even okay with the fact that, in the second installment, she is revealed to be a robot. It would certainly explain her gravity defying breasts.
Any list of Bond Girls would be incomplete without the incomparably hot Halle Berry as Jinx in Die Another Day. Ms. Berry deserves special recognition for the fact that she is the only woman that Bond tussles with in his adventures that is employed by a rival spy agency. As an NSA operative, Jinx was a more modern understanding of the typically short-lived damsel stereotype with which most Bond girls are affiliated. Also, she just might be beautiful enough to erase the absolutely ludicrous image of Bond surfing a glacial tidal wave on his damn speed car away from the laser and…Halle Berry in a tiny bathing suit, Halle Berry in a tiny bathing suit….ahh, that’s better.
To finish up, let’s quickly honor some more of the best spy girls of the past —
And so many more…