The fall semester is in full swing, but the beer-fueled parties and awkward dorm hookups that christen every first week of college are no excuse to abandon your studies. “Sorority Row” comes out in a few days and you probably haven’t reviewed its cast of unbelievably fine ladies at all yet, have you? Good…cramming is an essential part of the college experience (as is gawking at beautiful sorority girls). You’ll probably be hungover, or possibly still drunk, when you’re tested on the material this Friday, so don’t worry too much about memorization. Besides, we don’t have to tell you that this will be the best assignment you get all year.
Summary: Six sorority sisters share a secret (some sweet alliteration for all of you English majors out there). They accidentally killed one of their sisters in a prank gone awry. Bummer. A shadowy killer learns their secret and decides to start enacting some gory, sexually charged revenge. Even bigger bummer. Throw in lots of hot shower/jacuzzi/foam party scenes in which college chicks are half-naked, though, and you’ve got a horror flick that’s hard to turn down.
Cassidy – The Good Girl (Briana Evigan)
Cassidy is the girl with a heart of gold in the group (though the picture above seems to suggest otherwise). She’s got a conscience, and as the guilt of her friend’s death weighs on her, she might just be the first one to crack. In real life, Ms. Evigan is a promising young actress who comes from a fairly successful acting lineage (her dad was the star of B.J. and the Bear; try not to snicker so much in class). She’s also a talented singer and dancer, showing off the latter skill in her earlier movie Step Up 2: The Streets. Does that semi-colon bug any of you English majors? Did they mean for it to be a pun? If so, do you even need a semi-colon there? It’s enough to give you grammar nightmares.
Jessica – The Leader (Leah Pipes)
Jessica is that special breed of leader that everyone publicly respects and secretly loathes. Who knows what her motives were in the prank…and its subsequently fatal ending. Leah Pipes seems much sweeter in real life than her character is in the film. She’s an accomplished TV actress who has credits on big shows from Angel back in the day to the Sarah Connor Chronicles more recently. And, to answer your question, the twist at the end of the movie is not that Jessica is actually a Terminator sent back from the past to wipe out the institution of sororities. Though that would be kind of cool.
Chugs – The Party Girl (Margo Harshman)
Chugs parties harder than most of the pathetic guys who hook up with her. She loves a good cocktail and hates wearing underwear, which basically makes her every frat guy’s dream chick. Hitting the bottle can prove very dangerous in the long run though, as Chugs is more than certain to find out. It’s doubtful that Ms. Harshman puts away as much booze as her on-screen persona in real life, as she was an athlete for most of her life and a talented musician. She plays guitar and piano. For a brief period of time, she dated Even Stevens co-star Shia LaBeouf, but don’t hold that against her.
Claire – The Flirt (Jamie Chung)
If the idea of sorority schemes, murder, and college keg parties won’t get your butt into the theater, maybe Claire taking off her bathing suit for a little fun in the jacuzzi will. Are you sensitive to the bubble jets, or are you just happy to see her? Ms. Chung’s personal claim to fame was her stint on the mother of all reality shows, The Real World, during its San Diego season. Her traditional Korean-American parents may have disapproved, but we’re all very happy she decided to go on the show and put her gorgeous body and honest attitude out there for all of us lucky guys to see.
Ellie – The Screamer (Rumer Willis)
Describing a girl as a “screamer” can only mean one of two things: 1) she’s exposed to terrifying situations rather often, or 2) she’s unafraid to express her more primal emotions in the bedroom. Here’s hoping that Ellie falls into both categories for Sorority Row. Ms. Willis doesn’t scream like her character. She’s the daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, and no daughter of John McClane and G.I. Jane is going to be intimidated by some horrific, murderous stranger. She’s simply too badass.
Megan – The Princess (Audrina Patridge)
Megan’s the kind of sorority sister that has a special, Mean Girls-style flair for backstabbing (stabbing pun not intended) and mindgames that backfires early on in the film. That’s right, try not to get too attached to Megan because she’s the victim that starts off the whole series of terrifying events for her Theta Pi ladies. Surely you know Audrina by now, since she’s become a national celebrity after her stint on The Hills. Love her or hate her, men and women can agree on one thing: she knows how to eat a burger.