The Top 10 Celebrity Sex Tapes

Celebrity sex tapes have become a rite of passage for the ne’er-do-wells of Hollywood. Along with ill-advised musical projects and a stint or three in rehab, everyone is screwing on camera. Kim Kardashian recently wed New Jersey Nets power forward Kris Humphries, causing her sex tape with R&B singer Ray J to sell like hotcakes—or some other thing that sells really well—to the tune of two million views over the weekend. To commemorate the blushing bride’s nuptials, here’s our rundown of the top 10 celebrity sex tapes. Happy, umm, viewing!

10. Paris Hilton and Rick Salomon

Year: Recorded in 2001, leaked in 2004
Production Value: 2/5
Highlights: Paris Hilton gives some decent dome, but otherwise her sex skills are sub-par. It’s a good thing she’s got a fortune, because a born porn star she ain’t.
Watch It If: You want to kill all your Paris Hilton sex fantasies once and for all. She looks bored through most of the video and her body is definitely nothing to write home about unless “skinny fat” is your thing.
9. John Edwards and Rielle Hunter

Year: 2010
Production Value: Unknown. The tape has been confiscated by a federal judge in connection with campaign finance law violations.
Highlights: While no one has actually seen this tape, some disturbing details have surfaced. John Edwards drops to his knees and gives Rielle some face for an extended period of time. Not only is he aware that he’s being filmed, he really hams it up for the camera. Yikes.
Watch It If: You’re investigating John Edwards for fraud and mismanagement of campaign funds.
8. Colin Farrell and Nicole Narain

Year: Recorded in 2003, leaked in 2006.
Production Value: 3/5
Highlights: Colin Farrell has quite a way with words and basically never shuts up. When getting blown, he says, “It’s like you’re goin’ fishing for fuckin’ pubes man, you’re just catchin’ every fuckin’ pube I have.” When he’s going down on Narain he tells her, “This is my breakfast, lunch and dinner.” Who says romance is dead?
Watch It If: You’re getting drunk with friends and need some background hilarity.
7. Tila Tequila, Charlie Laine and Kristina Rose

Year: 2011
Production Value: 4/5
Highlights: It’s a lesbian threesome with Tila Tequila and two lady porn stars. The tape is a highlight.
Watch It If: You’re a heterosexual man with a pulse.
6. Kim Kardashian and Ray J

Year: 2007
Production Value: 5/5
Highlights: The Ray J songs playing in the background when they aren’t screwing. Kim Kardashian’s blow-J skills.
Watch It If: You want to see what a “leaked sex tape” looks like. Seriously, she’s put on makeup specifically for scenes. The celebrity sex tape scandal trope has come full circle and celebs are now leaking their own tapes.
5. Pamela Anderson and Bret Michaels

Year: Recorded in 1993, partially leaked in 1998, official release in 2005.
Production Value: 3/5
Highlights: Pamela Anderson groping her own breasts.
Watch It If: You’re a Pamela Anderson sex tape and/or Poison completist. With the grainy footage typical of celebrity sex tapes it’s sometimes hard to tell the difference between Bret and Pam, so you might have a self-pleasuring conundrum.
4. Dustin Diamond and friends

Year: 2003
Production Value: 4/5
Highlights: He actually gives the girl a “dirty sanchez.”
Watch It If: You want your boner to retreat inside your body and never return again. C’mon, people, this is Screech we’re talking about.
3. Tonya Harding and Jeff Gillooly

Year: Recorded in 1990, leaked in 1994.
Production Value: 1/5
Highlights: Tonya has a pretty decent body if you’re a leg-and-ass man. Hold your thumb in front of the screen for a poor man’s paper bag treatment and it’s not bad.
Watch It If: You’ve got a fetish for totally wasted white trash women having sex with Home Depot department managers.
2. Joanie “Chyna” Laurer and Sean “X-Pac” Waltman

Year: 2004
Production Value: 4/5
Highlights: Trying to figure out if that thing dangling between Chyna’s legs is a very large clitoris or a very small penis, then asking yourself the same question about X-Pac.
Watch It If: You are a far bigger wrestling fan than anyone we know.
1. Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson

Year: 1998
Production Value: 3/5
Highlights: This is the Citizen Kane of celebrity sex tapes. Marvel as Tommy says “baby” about a million times, mixing it up with “sick” or “rad” every 90 seconds or so. The two fawn over each other as though they’re most beautiful things since the Hope Diamond, despite any evidence to the contrary.
Watch It If: There’s no “if,” really. This is required viewing for all men under the age of 40. One of the first celebrity sex tapes is also one of the best.Honorable Mention: Bob Crane

Bob Crane was an early adopter in the world of celebrity sex tapes. He didn’t make just one. Crane began recording sex around 1956 and quickly proved himself a prolific amateur porn star. There’s so much Bob Crane material that one of his sons started a website dedicated to this Hogan’s Heroes star’s massive cache of homemade porn. Sadly, Crane ended up dead, possibly because of his inability to stop banging strangers in front of a camcorder. Auto Focus isn’t the most accurate biopic ever made, but it is a lot of fun.

 

 

 

 

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