7. Ham Smash ‘Em Up

The Ham Smash ‘Em Up is the most Democratic of the sandwiches on this list because it’s predicated on the assumption that no sandwich could ever live up to the name Ham Smash ‘Em Up. It’s like a continuously-increasing world record of a sandwich. It’s the (deep-fried, double-decker, heavy-bacon’d) carrot that always remains just out of our reach. One man’s Ham Smash ‘Em Up is pictured above, but what, reader, will yours be?

UPDATE: The Chinese version, 火腿抽殺他們, is on thisiswhyyourefat.com.

6. Butter Burger

Culver’s is a Midwestern stable and is responsible for 30% of the obesity between the Rocky’s and the Apalachians. In turn, this area is responsible for 98% of the Nation’s obesity. We made that up, but it can’t be that far off because this is a cheeseburger that is cooked and served in melted butter. Other than the ludicrous dollop of sweet cream butter, it’s pretty much a standard burger. But seriously.  OM NOM!

5. Felix’s Shrimp Po Boy

The shrimp po boy is, sadly, the reason that Harry Connick Jr. is a big fat guy now. But, on the upside, it’s completely delicious. There’s no better place to get them than in New Orleans, and there’s no better place in New Orleans than Felix’s. Some might guffaw at us putting a shrimp po boy of any kind on the list, but this deep fried bounty of the sea, when seasoned correctly as Felix does, is beyond reproach in its simplicity.  

4. The Fat Darrell

The Fat Darrell was invented when this fat guy Darrell decided to have a one-of-everything sandwich at Rutger’s University. Fat Darrell’s web site claims he is now a personal trainer, but we suspect that is actually a robotic version of the original Fat Darrell, who surely died the first time he tried to eat a sandwich including chicken fingers, French fries, mozzarella sticks, tomatoes, marinara sauces, a variety of seasonings, and the 3 large rolls needed to hold it all together. Total calories: 1718.  

3. Parmageddon

The Parmageddon is upon us, and its cheesy doom will befall you all the way from Lakewood, Ohio. Hailing specifically from Melt Bar and Grill, the Parmageddon is a perogie of biblical proportions including potatoes, cheese, vodka kraut, and onions. Humble yourself before this sandwich, or surely you will know its wrath.

2. Pat’s King Of Steaks Philly Cheesesteak

In the city of brotherly love, there is much love for the cheesesteak. And in that city, few are held in higher regard than Pat’s Steaks. As you can tell from the picture, this slippery monster is equal parts cheap-ass cheese and cheap-ass steak thrown in a roll and garnished appropriately. Tip of the crown to Pat’s.

1. McRib

The McRib in all its majesty is even more alluring because Ronald’s cruel, red fist refuses to let it become a regular staple of the McDonald’s menu. Like the forbidden fruit (if the fruit were made of Porkicorn), the McRib is everything we want from the perfect American sandwhich, yet we cannot taste its sweetness.  Unless, of course, there was a website devoted to finding its location.