If you ever stumble across the last person on Earth who still isn’t on Twitter, and they explain that this is because they think it’s worthless, here‘s what you do: First, twitpic them so we all know what the enemy looks like.


Then, kindly direct them to What’s My Twitter Account Worth, and tell them to type in your Twitter account name. There they can see exactly how much worth a Twitter account can hold; especially if they look at one, Ashton Kutcher’s account, currently estimated at $1,975,049.

You’re not just meaninglessly sending 140 character thoughts into space. You’re building an empire here. The more followers, mentions, and retweets you have, the more your Twitter account goes up in value. And even if it is only $4 dollars to begin with, that’s four more dollars than somebody who doesn’t addictively send mass updates onto the Internet has. Now, it’s not just a game. Now, you have a fiscal responsibility. You must keep tweeting. You must pander to what’s trending. Be witty! Profits have to increase this quarter… You better start describing your meals more often. We’re not sure who’s buying, but at least it’s fun to compare with your friends. Check it out.