Yes we can, America. We can get through one more debate. This last one, however, promises to be the most grueling yet. Donald Trump vows to go all out (and, considering he announced plans to jail his opponent last time, it’s impressive to think he was holding something back). Meanwhile Hillary Clinton’s playing with a big lead for the first time since 2008 and we all know how that turned out. Something’s gotta give… and it will probably be us.
Eh, just 90 minutes left. Here’s what to watch for tonight in Las Vegas (naturally), and then we don’t have to do it again for four years.
Editor’s note: The photo above documents UNLV’s preparations for the debate, featuring stand-ins for Trump and Clinton. Can you forgive us if some little part of us kinda wishes that these two people, whomever they are, were running for president instead?
Hillary’s tried “Running for president shouldn’t be about delivering insults… it should be about delivering results.” She’s tried “Trumped-Up Trickle-Down Economics.” Our weary nation can only shudder as we imagine what catchphrase she’ll inflict on us next.
Much Donald Complaining. Or, as President Obama put it, whining. Likely targets include: Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, that damned cat Socks Clinton, George Clinton (“If I ran Parliament, America would have twice the funk by now!”), the moderator, the media in general, that guy on TMZ who talked like a surfer and isn’t there any more (“You know the one!”), the microphone, the podium, the flooring under the podium (“Uneven!”), the election, the fixing of the election, the failure to fix the election (“Throw it to me already!”), Saturday Night Live, MADtv (“We were doing just fine without it, CW!”), the antibacterial soap ban (“Do you have any idea where my hands have been?”) and the fact that, no matter how loud we yell at people, we all still grow old and die.
A New Hillary Catchphrase. She’s tried, “Running for president shouldn’t be about delivering insults… it should be about delivering results.” She’s tried “Trumped-Up Trickle-Down Economics.” Our weary nation can only shudder as we imagine what she’ll inflict on us next.
New Topics! According to the Commission on Presidential Debates, moderator and Fox News Sunday host Chris Wallace has picked the following discussion topics: debt and entitlements, immigration, economy, Supreme Court, foreign hot spots, and fitness to be president. But he has also said he will be comparatively hands off with the candidates, so good luck keeping them on topic, Chris!
Provocative Guests. Clinton has invited “real billionaires” Mark Cuban and Meg Whitman, while Trump has invited Obama’s half-brother Malik and Patricia Smith, mother of Benghazi victim Sean Smith. It’s unclear how big a role they will play but Cuban has said he may try to “get in Trump’s head”—after which NBA commissioner Adam Silverman will totally fine him.
A Really Awkward Handshake. The first debate started with a friendly greeting and ended on still civil terms. (Indeed, Donald was in good enough spirits to get a little handsy—watch that left!)
This is how the second one began.
This is how the second one ended.
The third one may involve spitting.
Many Moments When We Completely Zone Out and Imagine How It Will Be Reenacted by Kate McKinnon and Alec Baldwin. If only actual debates could be completed in under 10 minutes.
And above all…
So Much Sniffing.